There’s an odd sense of pleasure derived from cleaning. By no means am I a neat-freak, a Danny Tanner. I have a tendency (loathed by some, lauded by others) to let crap pile up (empty tea cups, popcorn kernels, red sweaters, used post-its, camera lenses, and the like) until my living space is no longer aesthetically pleasing. I don’t deny that I smirk, content, amidst my inspired rubble and ingenious disarray. A little mess; er, a lot of mess, opens up the mind and triggers imagination, allowing productivity to run its course.
I like that my mess festers. Admittedly, I even enjoy the “redolent” scent that wafts from my desk trash can (to a point). I put up with it because it makes both the end and the means all the more enjoyable. Ah, to uncover the carpet underneath the economics homework (eureka!), to substitute Febreeze for the rotting banana stench, to stack, sort, shed, scrub, scour, shine.
I was in one of those rare cleaning moods tonight. I didn’t get back to the dorm until 9 pm, reluctant to delve into politics homework, shower the gym residue off of my body, or simply sit. All I wanted to do was clean; un-begrudging, getting into my “Joe-mode” (that transforms him into an X-man of likes with single-minded drive towards a single task…whether that be photographing cars or cooking scrambled eggs).
washed laundry…check
dried laundry…check
put away laundry…check
stripped bed of four-month old sheets…check
washed four-month old sheets….check (at last!)
put electronics into box…check
opened window to rid the room of certain scents…check
giddily sprayed febreeze…check
dusted desk…check
vacuumed room…check
took out garbage…check
took out recycs…check
made bed…check
cleaned myself (hahaha…aka showered)…check.
and I still had time for the State of the Union address!
I like to clean.
But the best part is I won’t have to do this until three more weeks…and then I can repeat the cycle of attaining satisfaction. room karma.
The best things in life are the small things.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
work, responsibilities, chores, and the like.
I’ve been contemplating the topic of “work” these past few days, rather subconsciously, but I think it’s about time to spill some of these musings on paper…er, webpage.
Work is good.
I spent last semester wallowing in self-pity, boredom, ennui, and lethargy. I dreaded studying, joining clubs, and getting involved for fear of becoming consumed by constant activity. And to be quite honest, I was terrified of the prospect of being challenged, argued against, rebuked, chided, proven wrong, belittled, made uncomfortable. I didn’t want to face my own insecurity. Oh, and I wanted sleep.
I was miserable last semester.
Humans are made for work. I have to admit, even children take part (and receive some level of satisfaction) in the seemingly mundane. Carefully setting the table, standing atop of the kitchen chair with soapy hands besides Mom while she washed the dishes, making my bed…these were just a few responsibilities that I thrived off of as a five-year-old.
The irony is that the older I got, the less I assumed those “adult” tasks. How strange it is that I had a larger sense of responsibility as a soapy-handed five-year-old than I did as a sulky teenager who demanded full autonomy. My pleasure over others’. Movies and music, culture and curiosity, self-discovery and self-exploration.
Almost nineteen, I am now realizing the emptiness and fallibility of my past prioritization (me-first) and gravitating towards adulthood (other’s first). Why keep a budget, aim for physical fitness, and do community service for the sake of “feeling” involved and “feeling” adult? That is the mindset of a young adult straddling two worlds: that of childish autonomy and that of adult responsibility. He gets one without the other, or both, which is not the real world.
It was not until recently that I pondered the prospect of keeping a budget so that money could be used wisely. Exercising so that school work could receive more effective concentration. Community service so that those not as lucky as myself to receive a first-class education could benefit. I used to romanticize “adult” tasks (and still do, admittedly), longing to “feel” responsible and “feel” mature. Such aims are marks of the immature.
I am grateful for this semester, which is ten times as challenging as the previous one. For the first time in my thirteen years of American schooling do I see the purpose in what I am doing: studying because what I study is meaningful and applicable to my career goals, my values concerning enlightenment, and a Christian reality. I actually want to be challenged, pushed, rebuked, questioned, contradicted. That is the only way I will learn. And though I dreading those feeling of uneasiness, insecurity, and naivety that are concomitant with learning, growing, and honing skills, I am assured that it is good for me.
Work is good.
Work is good.
I spent last semester wallowing in self-pity, boredom, ennui, and lethargy. I dreaded studying, joining clubs, and getting involved for fear of becoming consumed by constant activity. And to be quite honest, I was terrified of the prospect of being challenged, argued against, rebuked, chided, proven wrong, belittled, made uncomfortable. I didn’t want to face my own insecurity. Oh, and I wanted sleep.
I was miserable last semester.
Humans are made for work. I have to admit, even children take part (and receive some level of satisfaction) in the seemingly mundane. Carefully setting the table, standing atop of the kitchen chair with soapy hands besides Mom while she washed the dishes, making my bed…these were just a few responsibilities that I thrived off of as a five-year-old.
The irony is that the older I got, the less I assumed those “adult” tasks. How strange it is that I had a larger sense of responsibility as a soapy-handed five-year-old than I did as a sulky teenager who demanded full autonomy. My pleasure over others’. Movies and music, culture and curiosity, self-discovery and self-exploration.
Almost nineteen, I am now realizing the emptiness and fallibility of my past prioritization (me-first) and gravitating towards adulthood (other’s first). Why keep a budget, aim for physical fitness, and do community service for the sake of “feeling” involved and “feeling” adult? That is the mindset of a young adult straddling two worlds: that of childish autonomy and that of adult responsibility. He gets one without the other, or both, which is not the real world.
It was not until recently that I pondered the prospect of keeping a budget so that money could be used wisely. Exercising so that school work could receive more effective concentration. Community service so that those not as lucky as myself to receive a first-class education could benefit. I used to romanticize “adult” tasks (and still do, admittedly), longing to “feel” responsible and “feel” mature. Such aims are marks of the immature.
I am grateful for this semester, which is ten times as challenging as the previous one. For the first time in my thirteen years of American schooling do I see the purpose in what I am doing: studying because what I study is meaningful and applicable to my career goals, my values concerning enlightenment, and a Christian reality. I actually want to be challenged, pushed, rebuked, questioned, contradicted. That is the only way I will learn. And though I dreading those feeling of uneasiness, insecurity, and naivety that are concomitant with learning, growing, and honing skills, I am assured that it is good for me.
Work is good.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
humanistic tea bags
http://www.humanistic-photography.com/gal_tea/teaIntro.htm
i reviewed this website for my photojournalism class. It's on the verge of being New Age, but the content is very original, odd, and thought-provoking. I highly recommend intimacy #2. Which one do you think is the best? the weirdest? the most accurate?
i reviewed this website for my photojournalism class. It's on the verge of being New Age, but the content is very original, odd, and thought-provoking. I highly recommend intimacy #2. Which one do you think is the best? the weirdest? the most accurate?
Friday, January 20, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
How High is Higher Education?
I've been redefining my thoughts on higher education these past 24 hours.
A little background: The sad truth is that I never consciously choseto go to college. These days higher education is rarely selected; it is assumed. Consequentially, I never really designed goals for myself while here, because i have never asked myself why i was here.
But I am here. Whether I was congnizant of my decision to attend UNC or not, I am here and I choose to embrace higher education.
When asked "What is education" several hours ago, my first contrived definition was as follows: Higher education is specialization of a particular field in the context of integration of skills. The particular field is irrelevant: it can be chemistry, Arabic studies, or social work. All that matters is that critical skills are developed while discovering your field: verbal skills, quantitative skills, reading and writing skills, communication skills, analytic skills, and the like.
So the premise here is that higher education is not the regurgitation of facts regurgitated upon you by "higher" professors. It is not the content; it is the skills.
Then I realized how ridiculous this is.
First of all, college is definitely not the only place where skills are honed. There are so many things upon graduation that I could have done: worked at a restaurant, gone to culinary school, gone to beauty school, volunteered, joined the military, gotten married and birthed seven children, attended L'Abri, joined a convent. I could have sufficed just fine...what skills i needed would be developed there. Humans are like playdough: they adapt to whatever situation aquiring the bare essentials, the minimum skills (and then some) to survive. I could have aquired certain skills in a larger quanity or faster. For example, had i worked at Bread Co. I would have been forced to develop good communication skills, patience, sparse culinary skills, good listening skills, the ability to multi-task. Heck, I could learn photojournalism very quickly outside of college: buy a few books off of amazon and then drag Joe around with me across God's green earth taking pictures. getting experience. Yes, a personal tutor to show me those skills hands-on would be lovely.
Yet here I am at the University of North Carolina. I chose higher education.
So if education isn't facts and it isn't skills, what is left?
A very learned man named Abbott enlightens us on his theory of higher education in The Zen of Education. The aim of education is...education. We learn so that our enjoyment of reality is enlargened. Indeed, it is more pleasurable to have educated sex than monkey sex; it is more pleasurable to gaze at a painting knowing the historical, religious, and artistic context of that painting that to be ignorant. Which is not to say monkey sex of ignorant portrait-gazing is inherently evil; they aren't. It's just better to know. It's better for the individual. Experience is enhanced.l
Abbott is compelling:
There are no aims of education. The aim IS eduction. If--and only if---you seek it...education will find you. it will not be easy. We have only ehlpful exercises. We can't give you the thing itself. And there will be exraordinary temptaions--to spend whole months wallowing in a conentration that doesn't work for you because you have some myth about your future, to blow off intellectual effort in all but on earea because you are too lazy to hallenge yourself, to wander off to Europe for a year of enlightenment that rapidly turns into touristic self-indulgence. There will be the temptations of timidity, too, temtations to forgo all experimentation, to miss the glorious randomness of college, to give up the prodigal possibilites that--let me tell you---you will never find again; temptations to go rigidly through the motions and then wonder why education has eluded you."
I'd like to think of higher education in this manner: learning for learning's sake. The facts that I learn I will forget in one...two...five years. The skills I learn I will have to refine as the world changes. The reality that I define...even that will eventually change. Life is in flux.
I suddenly want to take advantage of every opportunity here at UNC. This is the only time in my life where i have seemingly unlimited resources at my fingertips (both academic and human!).
Carpe diem.
A little background: The sad truth is that I never consciously choseto go to college. These days higher education is rarely selected; it is assumed. Consequentially, I never really designed goals for myself while here, because i have never asked myself why i was here.
But I am here. Whether I was congnizant of my decision to attend UNC or not, I am here and I choose to embrace higher education.
When asked "What is education" several hours ago, my first contrived definition was as follows: Higher education is specialization of a particular field in the context of integration of skills. The particular field is irrelevant: it can be chemistry, Arabic studies, or social work. All that matters is that critical skills are developed while discovering your field: verbal skills, quantitative skills, reading and writing skills, communication skills, analytic skills, and the like.
So the premise here is that higher education is not the regurgitation of facts regurgitated upon you by "higher" professors. It is not the content; it is the skills.
Then I realized how ridiculous this is.
First of all, college is definitely not the only place where skills are honed. There are so many things upon graduation that I could have done: worked at a restaurant, gone to culinary school, gone to beauty school, volunteered, joined the military, gotten married and birthed seven children, attended L'Abri, joined a convent. I could have sufficed just fine...what skills i needed would be developed there. Humans are like playdough: they adapt to whatever situation aquiring the bare essentials, the minimum skills (and then some) to survive. I could have aquired certain skills in a larger quanity or faster. For example, had i worked at Bread Co. I would have been forced to develop good communication skills, patience, sparse culinary skills, good listening skills, the ability to multi-task. Heck, I could learn photojournalism very quickly outside of college: buy a few books off of amazon and then drag Joe around with me across God's green earth taking pictures. getting experience. Yes, a personal tutor to show me those skills hands-on would be lovely.
Yet here I am at the University of North Carolina. I chose higher education.
So if education isn't facts and it isn't skills, what is left?
A very learned man named Abbott enlightens us on his theory of higher education in The Zen of Education. The aim of education is...education. We learn so that our enjoyment of reality is enlargened. Indeed, it is more pleasurable to have educated sex than monkey sex; it is more pleasurable to gaze at a painting knowing the historical, religious, and artistic context of that painting that to be ignorant. Which is not to say monkey sex of ignorant portrait-gazing is inherently evil; they aren't. It's just better to know. It's better for the individual. Experience is enhanced.l
Abbott is compelling:
There are no aims of education. The aim IS eduction. If--and only if---you seek it...education will find you. it will not be easy. We have only ehlpful exercises. We can't give you the thing itself. And there will be exraordinary temptaions--to spend whole months wallowing in a conentration that doesn't work for you because you have some myth about your future, to blow off intellectual effort in all but on earea because you are too lazy to hallenge yourself, to wander off to Europe for a year of enlightenment that rapidly turns into touristic self-indulgence. There will be the temptations of timidity, too, temtations to forgo all experimentation, to miss the glorious randomness of college, to give up the prodigal possibilites that--let me tell you---you will never find again; temptations to go rigidly through the motions and then wonder why education has eluded you."
I'd like to think of higher education in this manner: learning for learning's sake. The facts that I learn I will forget in one...two...five years. The skills I learn I will have to refine as the world changes. The reality that I define...even that will eventually change. Life is in flux.
I suddenly want to take advantage of every opportunity here at UNC. This is the only time in my life where i have seemingly unlimited resources at my fingertips (both academic and human!).
Carpe diem.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Paper Doll.
Sometimes I feel like a paper doll.
There's the base: the scrawny girl with pigtails clad in meager underthings with lace trim. she feels utterly naked, exposed.
I have so many outfits.
It seems that the most common one is jeans and a backpack. I have a PID number, like all the students. I have an SAT score, like all the students. I have a major, like all the students. When i wear my jeans and backpack, I am a student.
I also have a flowered dress and easter hat. And black Mary-Janes. It matches that of Colleen's. When i put it on, I look just like her, and it makes me proud. I like standing next to her, the girl who was always taller than me, older than me, wiser than me, blonder than me, more responsible than me. I look up to her, both literally and figuratively. I am a sister.
Oh, and then there's the apron and name-tag. I also put on skid-free shoes and hideous smile. Bread-sliced or bagel-sliced? Decaf or Regular? Bread is my Soul, Passion, and Expertise (so i recite robotically). I am an Associate Worker.
I also have baggy shorts, an ancient t-shirt, and running shoes. I run around the campus. I am mistaken for the Hinton James runner, the Craige North runner, the Parker runner. I am an athlete.
What about the baby-blue t-shirt and ponytail? I scream, I yell, I boo, I succumb to an onslaught of "rah rah rah's." I am one face lost among a crowd of thousands, also sreaming, also yelling, also booing, also rah-rah-rahing. I am a spectator.
I have accesories as well. A shopping basket and impatient stance. waiting and waiting and druminng my fingers. Waiting and drumming. Drumming, drumming, sighing. Waiting. I am a consumer.
My favorite used to be the yellow sundress. I don't wear shoes, I am barefoot. Lost to wonder and incrdulity. I know little, I dream big. I am a Youth.
Some of these outfits marginalize me.
I feel smudged.
Some of these outfits consume me.
I feel intellectual.
Some of these outfits alievate me.
I feel loved.
And a lot of the times I don't know which to wear, and i don't like to wear any. I just want to be me.
There's the base: the scrawny girl with pigtails clad in meager underthings with lace trim. she feels utterly naked, exposed.
I have so many outfits.
It seems that the most common one is jeans and a backpack. I have a PID number, like all the students. I have an SAT score, like all the students. I have a major, like all the students. When i wear my jeans and backpack, I am a student.
I also have a flowered dress and easter hat. And black Mary-Janes. It matches that of Colleen's. When i put it on, I look just like her, and it makes me proud. I like standing next to her, the girl who was always taller than me, older than me, wiser than me, blonder than me, more responsible than me. I look up to her, both literally and figuratively. I am a sister.
Oh, and then there's the apron and name-tag. I also put on skid-free shoes and hideous smile. Bread-sliced or bagel-sliced? Decaf or Regular? Bread is my Soul, Passion, and Expertise (so i recite robotically). I am an Associate Worker.
I also have baggy shorts, an ancient t-shirt, and running shoes. I run around the campus. I am mistaken for the Hinton James runner, the Craige North runner, the Parker runner. I am an athlete.
What about the baby-blue t-shirt and ponytail? I scream, I yell, I boo, I succumb to an onslaught of "rah rah rah's." I am one face lost among a crowd of thousands, also sreaming, also yelling, also booing, also rah-rah-rahing. I am a spectator.
I have accesories as well. A shopping basket and impatient stance. waiting and waiting and druminng my fingers. Waiting and drumming. Drumming, drumming, sighing. Waiting. I am a consumer.
My favorite used to be the yellow sundress. I don't wear shoes, I am barefoot. Lost to wonder and incrdulity. I know little, I dream big. I am a Youth.
Some of these outfits marginalize me.
I feel smudged.
Some of these outfits consume me.
I feel intellectual.
Some of these outfits alievate me.
I feel loved.
And a lot of the times I don't know which to wear, and i don't like to wear any. I just want to be me.
Charts
I like the idea of describing my desires/hobbies/likes/dislikes in charts and pictures. You could say I’m too lazy to write verbose descriptions of the aforementioned, and I’m not denying that. But you get the added bonus of looking at a pretty picture or organizing something and then feeling that satisfaction that comes with getting something in order.
Courtney’s Spectacular Chart of New Things:
Completing Things Memoirs of a Geisha, homework.
Digital SLR camera On Friday I checked out my new camera for photojournalism. It’s a Canon Rebel XT.
Feng Shui. Feng Shui means “wind and water” in Chinese. So the new room has organization (what?). The kitchen is in the back left corner, the study area is in the back right corner (me) and the front left corner (drea), the dressing area is in the foyer (I’m not exaggerating the un-air-conditioned dorm, no I’m not…), the living area is in the center, and the sleeping area is, well, up. Space, Arrangement, and Harmony.
The Orient: what did I say about memoirs of a geisha? what did I say about feng shui? sudoku? darn, I think I’ve anglicized eastern culture…
Imparting Knowledge: I’m typically the “getter”: the youngest, the smallest, the ignorant, the curious, the learner, the youngster. I’ve been showing my camera to every person on God’s green earth and babbling about aperture and composition. Carolyn is now taking pictures with her camera!
Nails. I like grooming. thankfully, drea does too. I painted my nails blue and black. I don’t think I’ve painted my nails since sophomore year of high school.
Regular Hours. going to sleep at 1:00 am. what? waking up at 8:30 a.m. what?
Roommate. oh I do feel bad about charting drea. She’s too cool for this
chart…she’s my new roomie! we specialize at sitting.
Super Bounce Out- I can’t get past level three. Go here and see if you can beat me:
http://games.yahoo.com/games/downloads/bo.html
Tennis. I feel like Jack Burden and Anne. I wish I had spent my summer playing tennis and swimming. It’s a very social sport and loads of fun. It may very well be better than cross-country. I’m beginning to doubt the merits of masochistic exercise…
( note to the impressed reader: be warned. I'm stealing all of Amy Rosenthal's ideas. I wish I had written her book, because i do the same thing, but she gets all the credit. Oh well).
P.S. do you like my creative use of colons, dashes, and periods?
Courtney’s Spectacular Chart of New Things:
Completing Things Memoirs of a Geisha, homework.
Digital SLR camera On Friday I checked out my new camera for photojournalism. It’s a Canon Rebel XT.
Feng Shui. Feng Shui means “wind and water” in Chinese. So the new room has organization (what?). The kitchen is in the back left corner, the study area is in the back right corner (me) and the front left corner (drea), the dressing area is in the foyer (I’m not exaggerating the un-air-conditioned dorm, no I’m not…), the living area is in the center, and the sleeping area is, well, up. Space, Arrangement, and Harmony.
The Orient: what did I say about memoirs of a geisha? what did I say about feng shui? sudoku? darn, I think I’ve anglicized eastern culture…
Imparting Knowledge: I’m typically the “getter”: the youngest, the smallest, the ignorant, the curious, the learner, the youngster. I’ve been showing my camera to every person on God’s green earth and babbling about aperture and composition. Carolyn is now taking pictures with her camera!
Nails. I like grooming. thankfully, drea does too. I painted my nails blue and black. I don’t think I’ve painted my nails since sophomore year of high school.
Regular Hours. going to sleep at 1:00 am. what? waking up at 8:30 a.m. what?
Roommate. oh I do feel bad about charting drea. She’s too cool for this
chart…she’s my new roomie! we specialize at sitting.
Super Bounce Out- I can’t get past level three. Go here and see if you can beat me:
http://games.yahoo.com/games/downloads/bo.html
Tennis. I feel like Jack Burden and Anne. I wish I had spent my summer playing tennis and swimming. It’s a very social sport and loads of fun. It may very well be better than cross-country. I’m beginning to doubt the merits of masochistic exercise…
( note to the impressed reader: be warned. I'm stealing all of Amy Rosenthal's ideas. I wish I had written her book, because i do the same thing, but she gets all the credit. Oh well).
P.S. do you like my creative use of colons, dashes, and periods?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
reminder
remind me to write about something i read in my economics books today...i'm too tired to do it now, but will later. adios, buenas noches.
new
how unfortunate. i have not written any entries in quite some time.
It's sad that my desire to write these blogs has diminished the past few days. I must say, it's good to be back. It's real good. right now i am dazed, wondering what sorts of things this semester will bring. who will i meet? who will i hurt? who will hurt me? who will become my bosom buddy? will there be a bosom buddy? what kinds of things will i do on saturday nights? will i go dancing this semester? will i get certified in belay? how will i treat God? will I slump back into a nasty depressive episode. darkness, such darkness.
I don't think these things simultaneously, constantly. I am not plagued by worry. (well, i am a bit, but isn't that normal?) I guess i am more or less curious, impatient, anxious, intrigued at the thought that an entire new semester is about to begin and it is going to be full. rich, i do hope.
it's weird that so many things right now are new, but i feel paradoxically at home. at ease. like i've done this college thing every day of my life. I have a new roommate, drea, who is fantastic, if i do say so myself. then there's the new room, 643. new suitemates (also very welcoming), new classes (intro to photojournalism!!!!!! that deserves at least 4 exclamation points), new resolutions, new circumstances.
it's nice that one thing is constant, and unfortunately that One Thing is someone i have been neglecting the past few weeks. there's a verse in proverbs that i was reading like three seconds ago when i was feeling guilty about not really reading the bible lately. anyways, i interpret the "she" and "her" referred to here as giving into my selfish desires...coveting, i guess. i think i'll change some of the words slightly to make it more personal.
Now then, Courtney, listen to me.
Pay attention what I say.
Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray to her paths.
Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.
-end of proverbs 8
i need to go read the bible now. time to brush my teeth, turn out the lights, go to sleep.
current mood: unsure? with a bit of happiness...liking drea and the new semester thus far. impatient...wants to be in the middle of things, not the beginning (i.e. classes).
It's sad that my desire to write these blogs has diminished the past few days. I must say, it's good to be back. It's real good. right now i am dazed, wondering what sorts of things this semester will bring. who will i meet? who will i hurt? who will hurt me? who will become my bosom buddy? will there be a bosom buddy? what kinds of things will i do on saturday nights? will i go dancing this semester? will i get certified in belay? how will i treat God? will I slump back into a nasty depressive episode. darkness, such darkness.
I don't think these things simultaneously, constantly. I am not plagued by worry. (well, i am a bit, but isn't that normal?) I guess i am more or less curious, impatient, anxious, intrigued at the thought that an entire new semester is about to begin and it is going to be full. rich, i do hope.
it's weird that so many things right now are new, but i feel paradoxically at home. at ease. like i've done this college thing every day of my life. I have a new roommate, drea, who is fantastic, if i do say so myself. then there's the new room, 643. new suitemates (also very welcoming), new classes (intro to photojournalism!!!!!! that deserves at least 4 exclamation points), new resolutions, new circumstances.
it's nice that one thing is constant, and unfortunately that One Thing is someone i have been neglecting the past few weeks. there's a verse in proverbs that i was reading like three seconds ago when i was feeling guilty about not really reading the bible lately. anyways, i interpret the "she" and "her" referred to here as giving into my selfish desires...coveting, i guess. i think i'll change some of the words slightly to make it more personal.
Now then, Courtney, listen to me.
Pay attention what I say.
Do not let your heart turn to her ways
or stray to her paths.
Many are the victims she has brought down;
her slain are a mighty throng.
Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death.
-end of proverbs 8
i need to go read the bible now. time to brush my teeth, turn out the lights, go to sleep.
current mood: unsure? with a bit of happiness...liking drea and the new semester thus far. impatient...wants to be in the middle of things, not the beginning (i.e. classes).
Sunday, January 08, 2006
sister
so on my eight hour road trip today i was thinking about christmas break...and trying to encapsulate it in a single, unadulterated image. i couldn't really come up with one image (westminster at night, emily's bedroom, my knitting hands, the world as a blur on new year's eve..heheh, my joint bedroom with colleen, and everyday section of the st. louis post dispatch all come to mind, among images of faces...friends, family, etc). However, I do like this picture, because I think it sums up a lot of my break and pinpoints the overall atmosphere. in the background is my 'beloved' bread co (which i had just cleaned, thankyouverymuch). In the foreground is colleen (duh). she's taking a break from grad apps and laughing at some fugly devon rex pseudo-cat, her latest obsession. i can't help but laugh when i look at this picture...we were able to laugh like the old days and it was nice. i'm quite grateful for you, colleen, and i'm glad we had oodles of time to just "be." be sisters, i suppose.
belated post...whoops.
sue me. i wrote this a day ago and didn't post it until now. it's still something...so i hope.
I walked into my old Olive Starbucks—my haven during second hour senior year—with grand thoughts of writing, coffee, and reading. As I walked in the grandness sort of disappeared…but maybe it was never there to begin with. It’s just a Starbucks. My Starbucks. I’d be joking if I tried to make it into something special. By Jove it’s a commercial chain!
I guess that’s why I like it. At least this one, on Olive. It’s something familiar and ordinary. The atmosphere isn’t overpowering…if it were something fancy then I would be too distracted to write, for I would be staring at the walls. If it were something fancy then I would be too distracted to listen to my Death Cab for Cutie cd, because the overhead music would be so strikingly, ethereally beautiful. If it were something fancy then all of those English papers would have gone unwritten…all of those conversations with Jules would have gone left unhad.
Maybe I’m just trying to excuse myself for not finding a coffeehouse treasure.
That’s why I’m going to go to Chile. I hear they like coffeehouses down there…
(Besides, I want to go to South America.)
Hmm, I digress.
I would like to read today. I started six different books at various points over the break, and now I am deeply absorbed in Memoirs of a Geisha and nearly half-way through the 2nd book of the Narnia Chronicles. I’ll read about Prince Caspian and Cair Paraval and the dwarves and fauns and Old creatures, and then I’ll set down one world and become a Geisha. (Although I don’t aspire to be a geisha, which is essentially a decorated Japanese whore). It’s nice, fantasy interspersed with a very real Japanese culture. The latter is so foreign to me that it might as well be fantasy. But it’s not. And when juxtaposed with something that is…it’s brilliant.
I have lots of other things that I would like to write about, but I’m going to wait until I feel inspired again…maybe in a couple of hours. The longest time I’ve spent at a Starbucks has been four and a half hours. I wonder if I could supersede that.
Right now: twenty six minutes and counting.
(the courtney of the present is now writing. the courtney of the past left starbucks after an hour or so. she got restless. besides, john never showed up. and all of the couches were taken. therein lies the true reason for her departure...)
I walked into my old Olive Starbucks—my haven during second hour senior year—with grand thoughts of writing, coffee, and reading. As I walked in the grandness sort of disappeared…but maybe it was never there to begin with. It’s just a Starbucks. My Starbucks. I’d be joking if I tried to make it into something special. By Jove it’s a commercial chain!
I guess that’s why I like it. At least this one, on Olive. It’s something familiar and ordinary. The atmosphere isn’t overpowering…if it were something fancy then I would be too distracted to write, for I would be staring at the walls. If it were something fancy then I would be too distracted to listen to my Death Cab for Cutie cd, because the overhead music would be so strikingly, ethereally beautiful. If it were something fancy then all of those English papers would have gone unwritten…all of those conversations with Jules would have gone left unhad.
Maybe I’m just trying to excuse myself for not finding a coffeehouse treasure.
That’s why I’m going to go to Chile. I hear they like coffeehouses down there…
(Besides, I want to go to South America.)
Hmm, I digress.
I would like to read today. I started six different books at various points over the break, and now I am deeply absorbed in Memoirs of a Geisha and nearly half-way through the 2nd book of the Narnia Chronicles. I’ll read about Prince Caspian and Cair Paraval and the dwarves and fauns and Old creatures, and then I’ll set down one world and become a Geisha. (Although I don’t aspire to be a geisha, which is essentially a decorated Japanese whore). It’s nice, fantasy interspersed with a very real Japanese culture. The latter is so foreign to me that it might as well be fantasy. But it’s not. And when juxtaposed with something that is…it’s brilliant.
I have lots of other things that I would like to write about, but I’m going to wait until I feel inspired again…maybe in a couple of hours. The longest time I’ve spent at a Starbucks has been four and a half hours. I wonder if I could supersede that.
Right now: twenty six minutes and counting.
(the courtney of the present is now writing. the courtney of the past left starbucks after an hour or so. she got restless. besides, john never showed up. and all of the couches were taken. therein lies the true reason for her departure...)
Monday, January 02, 2006
freakishly long survey about my year. Chut's life in 2005...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
the first things that come to mind are bad things…being caught in an intricate tangle of harmful habits…eating disorders, clinical depression, running to the point of experiencing seemingly irreversible knee injuries, wanting to give into hopelessness once and for all. yet here were so many good things that should not be overlooked…I think I could write four or five pages on all the new things that have been done…most of them relational. new conversations, new friends, new levels of relating to God, my family, myself. I fell in love and recovered. new job: panera. new places: Carolina, Raleigh, the Grind, Coffee Cartel, the St. Louis Art Museum, the Raleigh Art Museum, the Ackland Art Museum. new hobbies: journaling, blogging, photography (this is most prominent of all), knitting, sudoku, crocheting hats, word puzzles, kickboxing. new fears about the future: my family’s new move to North Carolina, the health of my grandparents, who are moving with us, the next three and a half years at unc, new philosophies and creeds and beliefs. New. So many things are new. Scary, confusing, exciting. New.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
if I had kept them, I think I would have been the first human being to do so. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. My resolution is not to make any more resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but one of my classmates did.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
In person: none. In my dreams: Greece, South America, Indonesia, and Norway.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a soulmate. I love my high school friends to death…jules, koo, Emily, john, Lydia. You know me: all of me, my quirks and idiosyncracies and what makes me tick and what makes me feel passionate. I want that so badly at UNC. Patience would also be a nice thing to have.
7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 14- Karah’s 18th birthday party. I sank pretty low then...i think of it as day one of a nearly year-long depressive episode. (that I am over! thank the Lord!)
April 6- my 18th birthday. I wore pearls. Day one as an adult, day one of a hard year.
May 28- probably the peak of the year, in some ways. Graduation. I gave a speech…I love that speech (I do not say this haughtily). I’ve had to say it over and over to myself this year. “Remember your Creator in the days of your Youth.”
Early September- diagnosed with some bad stuff at the SRC. it was pretty monumental.
October 17- the start of reconciliation with some people that I love very much.
Thanksgiving- I will never forget this…I don’t think my family will either. I said some very furious things, I spoke in fire, I hurt, I hurt them. We started to heal.
New Year’s Eve- a great end to the year…a party at Joe’s…red wine, good friends, classical music, family. Laughter, joy, inebriation. It’s nice to be young.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
On some level, speaking in front of my entire school/extended family of my classmates at graduation. Salutatorian doesn’t mean anything, the grades don’t mean anything, but standing in front of everyone does. I experienced a new Courtney: an assertive Courtney, a Courtney who had an affinity for writing and speaking her mind. It was then that I discovered that I have something to say, I have a voice in this world, and I would like to be heard.
On a deeper level, I think my biggest achievement was admitting that I was screwed up in many ways and needed help. and forgiveness.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Refusing to love. blaming my own insecurities/pain/spiritual crisis on the rest of my family. I am sorry.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
too many. mostly emotional, actually. to be frank: eating problems, overexercising problems, insomnia, depression. I am healing, I am stronger.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
yarn. In January I taught myself how to crochet an intricate scarf. I like to create.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-my friends. John, for sticking with me, Jules for letting me cry, Emily, for letting me rest, Joe, for letting me do all of the above. My family, for listening and loving me in the only way that they know.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-all of my family members. My own. UNC classmates, the universal world. A perspective change is in progress. Love is working…healing.
14. Where did most of your money go?
-food, sadly enough. Coffee.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-mostly things that I conversely got really depressed about, as well. Life is ironic.
-new beginnings, new friends, new classes, new major (photojournalism!!!)...and then when I got scared and annoyed with all the new things…I got really excited about old things. old friends, old childhood memories, old things to latch onto.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
I actually have monthly songs (thank you, isochronic), but I will only put a few here:
Smashing Pumpkins: “Crestfallen”
Keane “Everybody’s Changing”
Coldplay “Fix you”
Ohio “Redemption”
Killers…some song whose title I don’t know. I danced to it at a wedding with my sister. it was one of the happiest days of the whole year. I won’t ever forget it.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier? maybe not happier…but more content. I am living in reality…not ignoring my own pain, my family’s problems, other relational problems (as much).
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter. 15 pounds fatter. hahaha. freshmen fifteen has new connotations for me…but I was supposed to, so there!
iii. richer or poorer? richer in love (awww). poorer financially. so poor that my whole extended family is moving. gotta love financial aide…
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
volunteer, speak Spanish, work at bread co, get to know more people, done more stuff in the city.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
exercise, cry, sulk, mope, complain, binge, sleep, write in my journal, spend time with myself.
20. How will you be spending Christmas/New Year’s Eve?
Christmas: with truckers (aka my daddy and his driver pal Matt), eating with family/opening presents with family. then my sister and I went to joe’s and I got a plant.
New Year’s: nice red wine, good brie, my sister and joe, good friends, one designated driver. enough said. It was grand.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
“Courtney, I can’t be your romantic outlook. You will be fine; I will be fine. I love you.” that is love.
it happened in a day…and I’ve been better ever since.
23. How many one-night stands?
ningun.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
GREY’S ANATOMY, BABY! Gilmore girls, that 70’s show, and arrested development are also favorites.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hatred is hurtful.
26. What was the best book you read?
Nonfiction: Searching for God Knows What.
Fiction: 100 Years of Solitude.
Required Reading: White Like Me and the Accidental Asian
Nonrequired Reading: HAHA. Dave egger’s Non-Required Reading. I have yet to finish it…
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I fell out of love with piano and i’m still trying to make peace with that. I’m starting to rediscover the joys of music. I definitely owe Julie and Lydia my thanks for immersing me into the world of real (as opposed to ‘pop’) music. Joni Mitchell, Ohio, Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, David Gray, Wilco, Jeff Buckley, the list goes ever on.
28. What did you want and get?
-spontaneity
-growing up (it came too fast)
-a deeper level of relating to family
-a major (photojournalism!!!!)
29. What did you want and not get?
a lot. pretty superficial things, as well. a nicer body, a boyfriend, a passion, structure, routine, the picture-perfect freshmen year, a roommate, being “fixed” in every area of my life.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
wow…a lot. the first few that come to mind: first and foremost, sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (jules=tibby, karah=the blonde girl (what’s her name??), em=Carmen, chut=lena). also: Junebug, Narnia, L’auberge espagnole
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
--I wore pearls! I brought my camera to school, took pictures during physics class of me and john, ate dinner at Café Napoli with my mom and dad, and received a leather-bound journal from my mom with Italian writing on the cover. I was eighteen.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-at first I just wanted all of my problems to go away. I tried to fix them myself…it left me even more wounded than before. I guess if I could relive the year, I would have liked to spend more time with my friends and I would have liked to gotten to know more people…I like seeing people in a new light. I didn’t give my classmates a chance, I didn’t give my family a chance, and I didn’t really give myself a chance.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
it evolved drastically (with my evolving mood)
February: 15% punkish and 85% comfortable. torn jeans, tights, and converses were musts.
April: mostly normal/slightly preppy. polo t-shirts, pearls, and (eep!) heels.
Summer: tanktops and baggy jeans. Work-out clothes, because (sadly) that’s pretty much all I did. I dressed up a whole lot more in the evenings. makeup became a new staple. and jewelry.
Fall: college clothing. UNC sweatshirts, jeans, and that’s about it. Yuck.
Christmas: SCARVES AND HATS!!!!! woohoo….
34. What kept you sane?
old friends (jules, Emily, and john mostly), joe, ben inman, RUF leaders (burress, ben, and others), new friends (laura fletcher). the cell phone assisted in a lot of this…
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most
George Thampy
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
--the French riots. thanks to my sociology 22 class… aversive discrimination/institutional racism. it’s a much more pervasive problem than I realized. I can see it in my own life/upbringing/schooling.
37. Who did you miss?
-the 17-year-old Courtney from Spain
-Rosario/Kim
-people from my past (like colleen said…my memories of people, ignoring how they were changing)
-God
-high school friends
-my family (or an idealized concept of my family?) I’m still working on this one…pray for love.
Question #38 has spontaneously ceased to exist. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
it can probably be summed up in the Rashomon perspective. (Is it dorky to apply a school concept to your life???). Basically, the Rashomon perspective states that we all have different backgrounds, experiences, opinions, and beliefs that shape who we are. It’s somewhat relativistic, but I think it is something that I have never really taken to heart. I can’t assume that MY circumstances are universal circumstances. And I can’t assume that other people’s opinions/backgrounds are “worse” or not as legitimate as mine. Consciousness. Here’s a quote from “atonement” by ian mcewan that sort of sparked my own paradigm shift:
“A second though always followed the first, one myswtery bred another: was everyone else really as alive as she was? For example, did her sister really matter to herself, was she as valuable to herself as Briony was? was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody? If the answer was yes, then the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated with two billion voices, and everyone’s thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone’s claim on life as intense…”
More profoundly: “It wasn’t only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you.”
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
this song is hands-down one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Ever time I listen to it I want to cry or dance or just sit in my car with the volume cranked up, just feeling the music. the orchestra…the piano…her voice. and the lyrics…
This is my song of 2005. it doesn’t have to be my life song, either. that’s nice.
Changes Come
Changes come
Turn my world around
I have my father's hand
I have my mother's tongue
I look for redemption in everyone
I wanna wear your ring
I have a song to sing
It ain't over babe
In fact it's just begun
Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down
I wanna have our baby
Somedays I think that maybe
This ol' world's too fucked up
For any firstborn son
There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone
Jesus come
Turn the world around
Lay my burden down
Turn this world around
Bring the whole thing down
Bring it down
the first things that come to mind are bad things…being caught in an intricate tangle of harmful habits…eating disorders, clinical depression, running to the point of experiencing seemingly irreversible knee injuries, wanting to give into hopelessness once and for all. yet here were so many good things that should not be overlooked…I think I could write four or five pages on all the new things that have been done…most of them relational. new conversations, new friends, new levels of relating to God, my family, myself. I fell in love and recovered. new job: panera. new places: Carolina, Raleigh, the Grind, Coffee Cartel, the St. Louis Art Museum, the Raleigh Art Museum, the Ackland Art Museum. new hobbies: journaling, blogging, photography (this is most prominent of all), knitting, sudoku, crocheting hats, word puzzles, kickboxing. new fears about the future: my family’s new move to North Carolina, the health of my grandparents, who are moving with us, the next three and a half years at unc, new philosophies and creeds and beliefs. New. So many things are new. Scary, confusing, exciting. New.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
if I had kept them, I think I would have been the first human being to do so. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. My resolution is not to make any more resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but one of my classmates did.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
In person: none. In my dreams: Greece, South America, Indonesia, and Norway.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a soulmate. I love my high school friends to death…jules, koo, Emily, john, Lydia. You know me: all of me, my quirks and idiosyncracies and what makes me tick and what makes me feel passionate. I want that so badly at UNC. Patience would also be a nice thing to have.
7. What date(s) from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 14- Karah’s 18th birthday party. I sank pretty low then...i think of it as day one of a nearly year-long depressive episode. (that I am over! thank the Lord!)
April 6- my 18th birthday. I wore pearls. Day one as an adult, day one of a hard year.
May 28- probably the peak of the year, in some ways. Graduation. I gave a speech…I love that speech (I do not say this haughtily). I’ve had to say it over and over to myself this year. “Remember your Creator in the days of your Youth.”
Early September- diagnosed with some bad stuff at the SRC. it was pretty monumental.
October 17- the start of reconciliation with some people that I love very much.
Thanksgiving- I will never forget this…I don’t think my family will either. I said some very furious things, I spoke in fire, I hurt, I hurt them. We started to heal.
New Year’s Eve- a great end to the year…a party at Joe’s…red wine, good friends, classical music, family. Laughter, joy, inebriation. It’s nice to be young.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
On some level, speaking in front of my entire school/extended family of my classmates at graduation. Salutatorian doesn’t mean anything, the grades don’t mean anything, but standing in front of everyone does. I experienced a new Courtney: an assertive Courtney, a Courtney who had an affinity for writing and speaking her mind. It was then that I discovered that I have something to say, I have a voice in this world, and I would like to be heard.
On a deeper level, I think my biggest achievement was admitting that I was screwed up in many ways and needed help. and forgiveness.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Refusing to love. blaming my own insecurities/pain/spiritual crisis on the rest of my family. I am sorry.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
too many. mostly emotional, actually. to be frank: eating problems, overexercising problems, insomnia, depression. I am healing, I am stronger.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
yarn. In January I taught myself how to crochet an intricate scarf. I like to create.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
-my friends. John, for sticking with me, Jules for letting me cry, Emily, for letting me rest, Joe, for letting me do all of the above. My family, for listening and loving me in the only way that they know.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
-all of my family members. My own. UNC classmates, the universal world. A perspective change is in progress. Love is working…healing.
14. Where did most of your money go?
-food, sadly enough. Coffee.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-mostly things that I conversely got really depressed about, as well. Life is ironic.
-new beginnings, new friends, new classes, new major (photojournalism!!!)...and then when I got scared and annoyed with all the new things…I got really excited about old things. old friends, old childhood memories, old things to latch onto.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
I actually have monthly songs (thank you, isochronic), but I will only put a few here:
Smashing Pumpkins: “Crestfallen”
Keane “Everybody’s Changing”
Coldplay “Fix you”
Ohio “Redemption”
Killers…some song whose title I don’t know. I danced to it at a wedding with my sister. it was one of the happiest days of the whole year. I won’t ever forget it.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier? maybe not happier…but more content. I am living in reality…not ignoring my own pain, my family’s problems, other relational problems (as much).
ii. thinner or fatter? definitely fatter. 15 pounds fatter. hahaha. freshmen fifteen has new connotations for me…but I was supposed to, so there!
iii. richer or poorer? richer in love (awww). poorer financially. so poor that my whole extended family is moving. gotta love financial aide…
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
volunteer, speak Spanish, work at bread co, get to know more people, done more stuff in the city.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
exercise, cry, sulk, mope, complain, binge, sleep, write in my journal, spend time with myself.
20. How will you be spending Christmas/New Year’s Eve?
Christmas: with truckers (aka my daddy and his driver pal Matt), eating with family/opening presents with family. then my sister and I went to joe’s and I got a plant.
New Year’s: nice red wine, good brie, my sister and joe, good friends, one designated driver. enough said. It was grand.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
“Courtney, I can’t be your romantic outlook. You will be fine; I will be fine. I love you.” that is love.
it happened in a day…and I’ve been better ever since.
23. How many one-night stands?
ningun.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
GREY’S ANATOMY, BABY! Gilmore girls, that 70’s show, and arrested development are also favorites.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hatred is hurtful.
26. What was the best book you read?
Nonfiction: Searching for God Knows What.
Fiction: 100 Years of Solitude.
Required Reading: White Like Me and the Accidental Asian
Nonrequired Reading: HAHA. Dave egger’s Non-Required Reading. I have yet to finish it…
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I fell out of love with piano and i’m still trying to make peace with that. I’m starting to rediscover the joys of music. I definitely owe Julie and Lydia my thanks for immersing me into the world of real (as opposed to ‘pop’) music. Joni Mitchell, Ohio, Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, David Gray, Wilco, Jeff Buckley, the list goes ever on.
28. What did you want and get?
-spontaneity
-growing up (it came too fast)
-a deeper level of relating to family
-a major (photojournalism!!!!)
29. What did you want and not get?
a lot. pretty superficial things, as well. a nicer body, a boyfriend, a passion, structure, routine, the picture-perfect freshmen year, a roommate, being “fixed” in every area of my life.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
wow…a lot. the first few that come to mind: first and foremost, sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (jules=tibby, karah=the blonde girl (what’s her name??), em=Carmen, chut=lena). also: Junebug, Narnia, L’auberge espagnole
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
--I wore pearls! I brought my camera to school, took pictures during physics class of me and john, ate dinner at Café Napoli with my mom and dad, and received a leather-bound journal from my mom with Italian writing on the cover. I was eighteen.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-at first I just wanted all of my problems to go away. I tried to fix them myself…it left me even more wounded than before. I guess if I could relive the year, I would have liked to spend more time with my friends and I would have liked to gotten to know more people…I like seeing people in a new light. I didn’t give my classmates a chance, I didn’t give my family a chance, and I didn’t really give myself a chance.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
it evolved drastically (with my evolving mood)
February: 15% punkish and 85% comfortable. torn jeans, tights, and converses were musts.
April: mostly normal/slightly preppy. polo t-shirts, pearls, and (eep!) heels.
Summer: tanktops and baggy jeans. Work-out clothes, because (sadly) that’s pretty much all I did. I dressed up a whole lot more in the evenings. makeup became a new staple. and jewelry.
Fall: college clothing. UNC sweatshirts, jeans, and that’s about it. Yuck.
Christmas: SCARVES AND HATS!!!!! woohoo….
34. What kept you sane?
old friends (jules, Emily, and john mostly), joe, ben inman, RUF leaders (burress, ben, and others), new friends (laura fletcher). the cell phone assisted in a lot of this…
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most
George Thampy
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
--the French riots. thanks to my sociology 22 class… aversive discrimination/institutional racism. it’s a much more pervasive problem than I realized. I can see it in my own life/upbringing/schooling.
37. Who did you miss?
-the 17-year-old Courtney from Spain
-Rosario/Kim
-people from my past (like colleen said…my memories of people, ignoring how they were changing)
-God
-high school friends
-my family (or an idealized concept of my family?) I’m still working on this one…pray for love.
Question #38 has spontaneously ceased to exist. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005?
it can probably be summed up in the Rashomon perspective. (Is it dorky to apply a school concept to your life???). Basically, the Rashomon perspective states that we all have different backgrounds, experiences, opinions, and beliefs that shape who we are. It’s somewhat relativistic, but I think it is something that I have never really taken to heart. I can’t assume that MY circumstances are universal circumstances. And I can’t assume that other people’s opinions/backgrounds are “worse” or not as legitimate as mine. Consciousness. Here’s a quote from “atonement” by ian mcewan that sort of sparked my own paradigm shift:
“A second though always followed the first, one myswtery bred another: was everyone else really as alive as she was? For example, did her sister really matter to herself, was she as valuable to herself as Briony was? was being Cecilia just as vivid an affair as being Briony? Did her sister also have a real self concealed behind a breaking wave, and did she spend time thinking about it, with a finger held up to her face? Did everybody? If the answer was yes, then the world, the social world, was unbearably complicated with two billion voices, and everyone’s thoughts striving in equal importance and everyone’s claim on life as intense…”
More profoundly: “It wasn’t only wickedness and scheming that made people unhappy, it was confusion and misunderstanding; above all, it was the failure to grasp the simple truth that other people are as real as you.”
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
this song is hands-down one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. Ever time I listen to it I want to cry or dance or just sit in my car with the volume cranked up, just feeling the music. the orchestra…the piano…her voice. and the lyrics…
This is my song of 2005. it doesn’t have to be my life song, either. that’s nice.
Changes Come
Changes come
Turn my world around
I have my father's hand
I have my mother's tongue
I look for redemption in everyone
I wanna wear your ring
I have a song to sing
It ain't over babe
In fact it's just begun
Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down
I wanna have our baby
Somedays I think that maybe
This ol' world's too fucked up
For any firstborn son
There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone
Jesus come
Turn the world around
Lay my burden down
Turn this world around
Bring the whole thing down
Bring it down
winter break diversions
i have aquired several more likes in the past few week. Crosswords, cryptoquip, sudoku (do you see a trend here?), scrabble, and knitting are among them.
Don't these seem like winter activities? happy january, all.
Don't these seem like winter activities? happy january, all.
thoughts on thoughts
"I have remembered, I suppose, what I wanted to remejber; many ridiculous things for no reason that makes sense. that is the way we human creatures are made."
"Long walks are off, and alas, bathing in the sea; fillet steaks and apples and raw blackberries (teeth difficulties) and reading fine print. But there is a great deal left. Operas and concerts, and reading, and the enormous pleasure of dropping into bed and going to sleep, and dreams of every variety....Almost best of all, sitting in the sun--Gently drowsy...And there you are again---remembering. 'I remember, I remember...the house where I was born.'
-agatha christie
quoted in "an Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life" by Amy Rosenthal
"Long walks are off, and alas, bathing in the sea; fillet steaks and apples and raw blackberries (teeth difficulties) and reading fine print. But there is a great deal left. Operas and concerts, and reading, and the enormous pleasure of dropping into bed and going to sleep, and dreams of every variety....Almost best of all, sitting in the sun--Gently drowsy...And there you are again---remembering. 'I remember, I remember...the house where I was born.'
-agatha christie
quoted in "an Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life" by Amy Rosenthal
all the small things
i like Amy Rosenthal. John says that she is just full of herself, but i find the idea of writing an encyclopedia about yourself a brilliant one, not egocentric. We all want to be heard; we all have something to say; we all have opinions and beliefs and idiosyncracies ordinary things that shape us.
I don't have the attention span to write an entire autobiography. Or a novel. A short story, perhaps, but then again, I don't like writing in full sentences. The choppier the better.
Isn't that how we think, after all? Perhaps I shouldn't universalize it. I know that this is how I think. Circumlocutions and Ramblings and Confessions and Daydreams. Verbs and Explicatives. Jumbly, Disorganized, Terse, Mispelled, Parenthetical.
That is how I write, at least. I write the way I think. I overused ellipses...(parentheses)...Capitals..."quotes."
Damn the prescriptivists. Grammar and "proper" english. There is a place for both, I admit, but the best writers are those who transcend the rules.
So that's why I like Amy Rosenthal. She describes her life in charts and songs and quotes and snipits and illustrations. I know what makes her tick. I know what random things she latches onto for consolation. I know her really stupid fasincations and seemingly mundane (albeit fascinating) details about her childhood. She never expresses the deepest desires of her hearts or states verbatim her passions, sorrows, fears, beliefs. Yet somehow, by glimpsing her misconstrued thoughts in encylopedia format, i see her. All of her.
I'm a lot like Amy Rosenthal. I don't share the same pet peeves/credences/hobbies/childhood memories, but I share her outlook on presentation. I appreciate snapshots: photographs, memorobilia, quotes, newspaper clippings, taglines, song lyrics, bible verses, symbols, relics. I like finding the larger picture in the little things.
I don't have the attention span to write an entire autobiography. Or a novel. A short story, perhaps, but then again, I don't like writing in full sentences. The choppier the better.
Isn't that how we think, after all? Perhaps I shouldn't universalize it. I know that this is how I think. Circumlocutions and Ramblings and Confessions and Daydreams. Verbs and Explicatives. Jumbly, Disorganized, Terse, Mispelled, Parenthetical.
That is how I write, at least. I write the way I think. I overused ellipses...(parentheses)...Capitals..."quotes."
Damn the prescriptivists. Grammar and "proper" english. There is a place for both, I admit, but the best writers are those who transcend the rules.
So that's why I like Amy Rosenthal. She describes her life in charts and songs and quotes and snipits and illustrations. I know what makes her tick. I know what random things she latches onto for consolation. I know her really stupid fasincations and seemingly mundane (albeit fascinating) details about her childhood. She never expresses the deepest desires of her hearts or states verbatim her passions, sorrows, fears, beliefs. Yet somehow, by glimpsing her misconstrued thoughts in encylopedia format, i see her. All of her.
I'm a lot like Amy Rosenthal. I don't share the same pet peeves/credences/hobbies/childhood memories, but I share her outlook on presentation. I appreciate snapshots: photographs, memorobilia, quotes, newspaper clippings, taglines, song lyrics, bible verses, symbols, relics. I like finding the larger picture in the little things.
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