Atacama desert

The coastal Atacama desert is the driest in the world and almost totally barren. The landscape of the moon offers an obvious comparison, except that the Atacama has as its backdrop the towering Andes, which block tropical storms from the Amazon Basin to the east. There can be torrential rains in some areas of the desert, causing flash floods and sudden, ephemeral bursts of vegetation.

crisis delta change pivotal crucial defining.

crisis=turning point. a pivotal moment.
as defined by Religion 43 with Peter Kaufman.
yeah, so even though this resolution will inevitably fail (partly or wholly), i resolve to change my mood tomorrow. screw indiffernece. screw contradiction. i need to

STOP
THINKING AND
STOP

DWELLING AND
STOP
MUSING OVER THE SAME CRAP
over
and over
and over again
always the same crap
the same the same unchanging but apply different
forms of thinking
different methods
different
analizations.
ENOUGH.
bastante. no mas.
i just need to
DO
SOMETHING
anything
not everything
just one small thing
even if it is
ostensibly selfish and
for myself.
maybe i should be taking better care
of myself.

i wish i had a syringe filled with Motivation or Determination or Optimism to drown out all the Negative.

things that i could/can/and will do all/in part tomorrow/this week to pass the time:
-run 1 mile.
-go to borders and peruse through that book beth recommended
-compile creative cd's of wondeful emo music for matt and carolyn
-write bobby hill a letter and develop his pictures.
-call grandma ann.
-write rosario a letter...i don't want her to become just another "story" of mine...she's a real live PERSON and oh how much i would like to write to her to just maintain our relationship.
-go to the mall to get my glasses fixed.
-read about chile at borders.

a borders visit is in order.

and i really do want to get excited about chile.

grey skies abounding.

i'm feeling the need to express myself. i don't really have anything to "report," seeing as i haven't let myself "come out" and really physically/mentally do anything. i'm back at home...and i've already sunk into this foggy world of restlessness. why do i thrive off of structure so much? why can't i just impose structure on myself? why can't i find anything to do?

i haven't had a "high" in quite some time. not since the middle of april...probably the last time i was truly happy/content/joyful/whatever was after running with matt at midnight and talking about...everything. honestly. freely. oh and with OPTIMISM for once in my life.

i like that i see things complexly, but i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. b/c it inhibits me from living in the present. and inhibits me from...well...avoiding depression. oh but i like bright eyes...i do like his lyrics. i like the symbolism and how he wrestles with things...his own neurosis and depression and i can relate so well to things he sings about. but part of me feels like the both of us fuel our own depression by thinking and writing and pondering. i like pondering though....so the quesiton is, how can i LIVE life as myself...as Courtney Ann Potter...the romanticist/thinker/philosopher/whatever withtout being miserable? i don't want to alter my personality...i DO think but right now this thinking is destructive and...oh i don't know how to channel my thoughts in a productive way. i guess school provided that structure...school helps me thinking productively by CHOOSING things for me to think about. and it's not really escaping life, it's just exercising my brain so that i don't lose myself to thoughts like this in my dorm room and end up like bright eyes: drunk, high, and writing depressing song lyrics about introspection and the quest for meaning.

the overall color of this blog is blatantly clear. grey.

it's been awhile.

I read an article in the newspaper today commenting on the phenomenom that we call MySpace. Apparently it is now used to memorialize the dead--to dwell on words of the past, thoughts of the past. In essence, you can keep someone preserved as their nine-teen-year-old self.

This really creeped me out.

I've been thinking about the Internet lately...it's a tool to quick intimacy and quick history. You can talk to a boy on instant messenger and suddenly feel as though you "know" him through and through. What is typed is not necessarily analagous to what is thought and what would be said, in the tone you would say it in.

How many hours have I wasted on instant messenger reading everyone's away messages? How many good person-to-person conversations have I lost due to flirting with someone on a multisync LCD 1765 monitor? And facebook...what have I gained from it? I do like the photoalbum tool, but I think it has brought me more harm than good in the end. It's got temptation written all over it---what you do, what you discover, can be used to your own "advantage" and knowledge is a dangerous thing. Yes, there's the understood temptation of "lust" and "stalking" ex-boyfriends and hopeful boyfriends-to-be. There's so much more though...I catch myself perusing through other girls' photoalbums, comparing myself to them. she is prettier, she is taller, she is skinnier, she is more athletic, she is more brunnette. it's ridiculous the things I can dwell upon. and there's the larger temptation of seeing who has the most "appealing" profile...who professes to be the most "cultured" or "out-doorsy" or "poetic" or "emo..." the list goes on and on into oblivion.

I am prone to this. I am the type to both quickly compare myself to anyone and quickly jump on an opportunity to procrastinate. I'm not going to brush it off as "normal" or the "college thing to do," even though both may be truths. I do this because my heart is prone to wander, prone to do whatever I please even if it may be detrimental to both myself and others. What have I gained from facebook? What friendships have I formed? I certainly haven't been brought closer to people through facebook...the "real" things are left for the real world...face-to-face conversation or "old-fashioned" (pshaw) telephone calls. Facebook...is good for joking and romanticizing...which i'm not labeling as "evil" (they aren't) but (for me) are dangerous.

I've been thinking of 1 John 2.
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

it's important that one understands the distinction between the created world and the fallen world. John classifies the "world" as those things that a) are marked by sinful cravings b) involve covetousness and c)involve self-absorption...boasting about who you are, what music you like, what you have done, what you dream about doing, etc. God lavishes us with worldly blessings so that we enjoy them; it is not "evil" to be excited about a dramatic thunderstorm or finding a five-dollar bill on the sidewalk or (gasp gasp) writing on someone's facebook wall. But i've got my head SO stuck on my conception of "the world" that i'm missing out on these blessings and i'm not looking towards eternal things. fellowship with christians, spiritual growth...and CULTIVATING relationships (especially with my family) rather than aggravating them (which is what inevitably happens with facebook).

It saddens me that, via the Internet/computer/blogs/saved emails I can rehash old hurts, dwell upon old sins...and totally forget about forgiveness. moving on.

Yes, so I'm a hypocrite. I'm writing this on a blog. The point is, I don't want to go back and read and "meditate" on this...over and over and over again. I hope that other people can relate to my thoughts...i hope i spark some sort of thinking or pondering or reflecting. If not, that's alright too.

I like writing. I like photography. I pray that God can show me how to use these in healthy, effective, God-glorifying ways.