i'm feeling the need to express myself. i don't really have anything to "report," seeing as i haven't let myself "come out" and really physically/mentally do anything. i'm back at home...and i've already sunk into this foggy world of restlessness. why do i thrive off of structure so much? why can't i just impose structure on myself? why can't i find anything to do?
i haven't had a "high" in quite some time. not since the middle of april...probably the last time i was truly happy/content/joyful/whatever was after running with matt at midnight and talking about...everything. honestly. freely. oh and with OPTIMISM for once in my life.
i like that i see things complexly, but i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. b/c it inhibits me from living in the present. and inhibits me from...well...avoiding depression. oh but i like bright eyes...i do like his lyrics. i like the symbolism and how he wrestles with things...his own neurosis and depression and i can relate so well to things he sings about. but part of me feels like the both of us fuel our own depression by thinking and writing and pondering. i like pondering though....so the quesiton is, how can i LIVE life as myself...as Courtney Ann Potter...the romanticist/thinker/philosopher/whatever withtout being miserable? i don't want to alter my personality...i DO think but right now this thinking is destructive and...oh i don't know how to channel my thoughts in a productive way. i guess school provided that structure...school helps me thinking productively by CHOOSING things for me to think about. and it's not really escaping life, it's just exercising my brain so that i don't lose myself to thoughts like this in my dorm room and end up like bright eyes: drunk, high, and writing depressing song lyrics about introspection and the quest for meaning.
the overall color of this blog is blatantly clear. grey.
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