experience

"I went to e woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and to be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to “glorify God and enjoy him forever.” -from Where I Lived, and What I Lived For. Thoreau.

These are my thoughts. Not verbatim, for I am not Thoreau and I am not perfectly at ease while in nature. Yet I have been contemplating something akin to this...chewing over words like "experience" and "life."

I wish I were Thoreau. I wish I knew what I lived for and sought after it whole-heartedly.

I romanticize, but do not live in the present. I dream about the future...what i can one day do, what i can one day be, what i can one day understand. But what about now? What do I live for? To be quite honest, I'm not sure. What drives me? What are my passions? I have those answers that I spit off instinctively, reflexively, when a stranger nonchalantly asks. Photography. Learning. Movies. Thinking. Running. But those...those are just activities. What about Photography drives me? It's not just the act of taking pictures...can it really be that simple?

I do not know because I do not try. I do not know my passions because I do not explore. I do not know because I fit myself into a box...what I think Courtney SHOULD be, SHOULD like, SHOULD strive for.

I feel as though I've been spending this past semester casting aside eighteen years' worth of presuppositions. i was told who to be, how to act, what to value. and a lot of advice was good advice...i have built a foundation upon good principles, worthy principles...yet i'm not satisfied. b/c i never wrestled with them...challenged them...made SURE they were worth living for. I never made them MY principles. and so now i am conflicted...half of Courtney believes in all of these things in her head, but the other half has problems connecting them to, well, the rest of the world. And assumption is a dangerous thing. Living life blindly is a dangerous thing.

I hate that I was so sheltered as a child. grateful on one level...but I think it does more harm than one may think.

I'm trying to crash my plan. I am destroying the auto-pilot and switching over to manual mode. I hate having the answers (or what I think the answers are) but not really living by it. or challenging them. Why do I believe what I believe? Why do I like what I like? Why don't I know what I like? Why why why why why?

It's okay to question. In fact, people don't question enough.

I spent this weekend in the woods...with a friend who is overwhelming at ease. eerily at ease. beautifully at ease. with himself, with nature, with his passions and his beliefs. he's not just a list of hobbies and clubs...and he doesn't really rattle off his academic pursuits when asked what he does for fun. there's a deeper root. nature....but not just nature...a union with nature. somewhere in between quiet observation and active participation. no need for words. silence is acceptable.

It is beautiful.

I'd like to spend more time outdoors. i'm not sure why. maybe because i feel i'll find myself...or maybe i feel like i'll forget myself completely and become entranced by something larger than myself. maybe because it scares me shitless, for lack of better terminology. i am stripped naked, fully conscious of myself yet paradoxically oblivious to myself...lost to my surroundings.

I don't want to die without having lived. failed. soared. tried.

I want to live sturdily. I'm not sure how to suck the marrow out of life. i just hope I'll die trying.