a bit of nostalgia

at the end of the day I like that I have writing. there will always be work. school is work. photography work. bible-study is work. all of these activities become obsolete after so much time...they are all just "things" and meaning begins to fade. I think writing is one of the only things I have that is truly for me and me alone---which is why I could never major in creative writing, because then it wouldn't be what it is. therapeutic. comforting. a way of reminiscing or dreaming or blabbering. if you major in it you can't blabber, that's a rule.

I once wore a writing hat, like Jo from Little Women, while writing. P.S. it really helps.

the coming of spring has brought a flood of memories and longings back. all so tangible. Here are the most tangible (diversions and passions that I had tucked away for the winter, albeit subconsciously, in order to "work"):

1. eisley. well, eisley really is a microcosm of all good, pleasant music. Elbow and Smashing Pumpkins are for winter, but now winter is over and I can emerge from the darkness.

This is my state of being, where the "you"=not a person, but life in general.

Its happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry

I love you

I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow

We were walking there
I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shinning eyes
Yes like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry

I love music. And listening to Eisley with the windows down in my car on my way back from class...i felt complete again. I really do love music, and i hate that i've slacked on listening to it for pleasure just because ju isn't here to burn me her latest preferences. i'm listening to rufus wainwright right now, and it's lovely. it makes me think of europe and johnny depp. "all the sights of paris swirl inside your iris." so here is my spring selection; that is, here are the artists that i automatically associate with spring, primarily b/c i first heard their music in spring.: It's time for...eisley, rufus wainwright, david gray, radiohead (let down), lapush, lydia's wonderful birthday mix from sophomore year.

2. I love driving. the best experience i had this week: driving in seventy degree weather to nowhere. i just drove. i had no EARTHLY idea where i was, but somehow meandered back to 15-501 and found manning drive. windows down. shoes off. one leg up on the seat. eisley lauding the trolly woods. my hair blowing. it's a little hot.

3. lacrosse. spring=lacrosse season. yet there is no mr. knerr, no frolicking in the westminster fields, no scavenging for yellow balls, no skirts, no goggles, no bagel packs. i mostly miss tossing the ball back in forth, analagous to playing a mere game of catch with a mitt. it's mindless and gives you such a sense of control and satisfaction. and then...you let go. and just talk for hours. and throw the ball around. the yellow ball. against the blue sky. So i played lacrosse for the first time since fall tonight at Relay For Life, with three random Chapel Hill High students. but it was so comforting. so familiar.

4. cross-country. so this isn't spring, but i miss RUNNING. and not just the ACT of running...b/c if i do that by myself i run myself into a rut and get dreadfully lonely. I miss cross-country. the thrill of running with fellow quirky masochists. who find a quiet joy in running through the woods, isolated, away from the buzz of campus. in tune only with the beating of the heart and the rhythm of the feet and the sweating of the brow. you are so utterly exposed yet so utterly free. i miss that...i miss that group of people and that activity.

5. acapella singing. the lord bless you and keep you, enough said.

6. sevilla. espanol. kim y rosario y tortilla de patatas. varias palabras muy distintas como "grua"...la primera palabra que aprendi. david bisbal y mis clases y calle bendis y las palmas y aun el calor insoportable. y decir la palabra insoportable.

lydia, john, jules, emily, karah...i miss you all the most. especially right now, at this very second. i ache because i'm not with you. i'm not really complete. and i'm retreating into this dark little haven right now...of westminster. not the institution, but the memories of it, which are just memories of you all. i thought of each of you today at various points. and it wasn't just a fleeting thought...it was more of feeling or even a pain inside. i guess that's what you call nostalgia. or homesickness. anyways, i love you all...i really do.