nonconformity
human nature
Thursday, September 28, 2006
inspiration and perspiration
Where is the line between inspiration and perspiration? Both come from inside. Both involve evaluating your surroundings and reacting accordingly (not necessarily logically). I have not been inspired to write. Or is it that I have not perspired enough in my endeavors, or lack thereof.
Both are extremely valuable, and both are extremely hard to come by.
But how long does insipration, sweet inspiration, last once it comes? A week, a day, a minute?
Inspiration does not always come first.
I guess that's why I'm writing. Because I want inspiration and figure that, in my writing, it will come.
And now I will write, getting over the fact that I can't flesh out this idea much more because I just need to write.
It's been a bumpy month, but I can't conceive of any better way to spend my weekend than in the mountains with my brothers and sisters in Christ. In ways I feel as though the month has climaxed with a bout of despair and is now reaching the dénouement of sorts. Conference will be a time to simply BE...a time to rest in Christ and Christian fellowship. My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.
I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.
Both are extremely valuable, and both are extremely hard to come by.
But how long does insipration, sweet inspiration, last once it comes? A week, a day, a minute?
Inspiration does not always come first.
I guess that's why I'm writing. Because I want inspiration and figure that, in my writing, it will come.
And now I will write, getting over the fact that I can't flesh out this idea much more because I just need to write.
It's been a bumpy month, but I can't conceive of any better way to spend my weekend than in the mountains with my brothers and sisters in Christ. In ways I feel as though the month has climaxed with a bout of despair and is now reaching the dénouement of sorts. Conference will be a time to simply BE...a time to rest in Christ and Christian fellowship. My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 3It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.
I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.
inspiration and perspiration
Where is the line between inspiration and perspiration? Both come from inside. Both involve evaluating your surroundings and reacting accordingly (not necessarily logically). I have not been inspired to write. Or is it that I have not perspired enough in my endeavors, or lack thereof.
Both are extremely valuable, and both are extremely hard to come by.
But how long does insipration, sweet inspiration, last once it comes? A week, a day, a minute?
Inspiration does not always come first.
I guess that's why I'm writing. Because I want inspiration and figure that, in my writing, it will come.
And now I will write, getting over the fact that I can't flesh out this idea much more because I just need to write.
It's been a bumpy month, but I can't conceive of any better way to spend my weekend than in the mountains with my brothers and sisters in Christ. In ways I feel as though the month has climaxed with a bout of despair and is now reaching the dénouement of sorts. Conference will be a time to simply BE...a time to rest in Christ and Christian fellowship. My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.
I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.
Both are extremely valuable, and both are extremely hard to come by.
But how long does insipration, sweet inspiration, last once it comes? A week, a day, a minute?
Inspiration does not always come first.
I guess that's why I'm writing. Because I want inspiration and figure that, in my writing, it will come.
And now I will write, getting over the fact that I can't flesh out this idea much more because I just need to write.
It's been a bumpy month, but I can't conceive of any better way to spend my weekend than in the mountains with my brothers and sisters in Christ. In ways I feel as though the month has climaxed with a bout of despair and is now reaching the dénouement of sorts. Conference will be a time to simply BE...a time to rest in Christ and Christian fellowship. My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 3It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.
I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
can't think of an adequate title
We are like well dressed hobos.
That's just a little insight from Ju. I like it.
Anyways, Week Two of Year Two of my Formal Education has ended, and it was so-so. Here are some of the good things that happened:
1. it rained. actually, it poured, thanks to oncoming Hurricane Ernesto. I was coming from my South American Culture class and realized that if I waited for the rain to let up, I would be in Phillips Hall for the next six hours, and that if I didn't wait I would get the oppportunity to play in the rain. It's really one of those special moments life throws at you that can cause some people to grumble, some people to despair, others to avoid the outdoors, and others to joyfully rejoice. I bolted outside without my shoes on, threw my head back, and let the rain pour down my face. I didn't run, but walked calmly, confidently, down campus. I felt like I was in a photograph with the background blurred grey from drag shutter, my body frozen in time.
2. I partook in a wonderful two-hour theological discussion about suffering after church on Sunday. I met three freshmen and two transfer students and one graduate med. student. We ate artichoke pizza.
3. Carolyn and I discovered the candy machines in Old East.
4. Carolyn introduced me to Seinfeld, the world's best TV show (after that 70's show, of course). Actually, we spent a whole evening together, which was one of the best evenings i've had all year. We worked out, took hot showers together (not in the same shower, haha), ate Pita Pit for dinner, watched Seinfeld, listened to 90's music, and pretty much enjoyed one another's company for eight hours straight. I was totally wired...it was one of those moments where you let your guard down completely and all inhibitions melt into oblilvion. I haven't laughed so hard since the Morehead City trip with Joe and Colleen.
5. I had my best day ever of shooting at the DTH. Three pictures published in one day!
6. I got to speak Spanish with a Mexican worker.
7. My U.S. History professor announced in his very British accent that his last name was "Quigley."
8. I got three free meals in two days. Yay for friends with meal plans and professors with cash.
9. I reconnected with Galen and Ricky and Natalie and other photo people that I am sometimes intimidated by. My J480 class is a wondeful mix of photographers...a 31 year old and some pretty talented undergrads. It's like a family....aww.
10. Writing this blog. I have missed writing so much that I have forgotten about how much I love it.
Some of the bad things that happened this week:
1. Doubts. Lots and lots of doubts. It's satan's way of creeping into my being and preventing me from giving my all to anything...whether it be relationships, photojournalism, my calling, sleep.
2. I stepped on my contact lens this morning.
3. My car wouldn't start...again. Which leads to number four.
4. I have to wake up in five hours to drive my car to Wake Forest for an appointment with the dealer.
5. I didn't pray very much or spend time in the Word. GAH. I know God's work in my life and in other people's lives isn't dependent on my actions, but I nonetheless have a responsibility that I am failing to carry out. And it hurts me that I can get so busy and bogged down with worry that I forget or rationalize my way out of prayer. I really miss God and those quiet times that marked the summer. the type of quiet times that would completely transform my state of mind or mood. pray that I can pray, basically. hopefully i'll utilize the long weekend accordingly...
I guess that's it. I don't want to think of other lowpoints.
The week was grey. So-so. But mostly grey from the rain. But still good. I like rain, remember?
Anyways, I think it's really cool that God has made people so DIFFERENTLY and with such care--esmero, in spanish--and beauty. I look at my friend Matt and amazed that his brain is so darn different than mine...that he is so rational and could love something like economics and business with such passion and dedication. I look at my friend Laura and marvel that God could create someone who has such a big heart and caring nature. Then I think of myself, and praise Him that he made me this way (even though at many points during the week I was angry/annoyed with his handiwork). I learn experientially and emotionally...I like that I am so emotional and that I feel things so deeply and crave experience. It used to be a vice, especially my senior year of high school, but when balanced it really edifies things. Especially with photojournalism. I don't learn by memorizing or by regurgitating or by rationalizing. I learn by images, really and think in images. fragments. I see things in my head...not concrete images, mind you. more like colors and hues that i translate into words and feelings. it comes out in my writing, I think, and this is why i have such a hard time conversing with people. I am a writer and an artist, not a talker and an arguer. And it can be so frustrating, but deep down...when i am doing those things that God created me to do, thinking the way he created me to think, writing the way he created me to write...I am so unbelievably in love with the way I am and the fact that God chose to make me that way. More power to Him!
And it's cool that God is teaching me how to be those things I'm not...how to listen better, how to communiate better, how to rest better.
I'll save my photojournalism ponderings for another entry.
Por ahora, tengo que acostarme. Descanso, descanso dulce, descanso.
That's just a little insight from Ju. I like it.
Anyways, Week Two of Year Two of my Formal Education has ended, and it was so-so. Here are some of the good things that happened:
1. it rained. actually, it poured, thanks to oncoming Hurricane Ernesto. I was coming from my South American Culture class and realized that if I waited for the rain to let up, I would be in Phillips Hall for the next six hours, and that if I didn't wait I would get the oppportunity to play in the rain. It's really one of those special moments life throws at you that can cause some people to grumble, some people to despair, others to avoid the outdoors, and others to joyfully rejoice. I bolted outside without my shoes on, threw my head back, and let the rain pour down my face. I didn't run, but walked calmly, confidently, down campus. I felt like I was in a photograph with the background blurred grey from drag shutter, my body frozen in time.
2. I partook in a wonderful two-hour theological discussion about suffering after church on Sunday. I met three freshmen and two transfer students and one graduate med. student. We ate artichoke pizza.
3. Carolyn and I discovered the candy machines in Old East.
4. Carolyn introduced me to Seinfeld, the world's best TV show (after that 70's show, of course). Actually, we spent a whole evening together, which was one of the best evenings i've had all year. We worked out, took hot showers together (not in the same shower, haha), ate Pita Pit for dinner, watched Seinfeld, listened to 90's music, and pretty much enjoyed one another's company for eight hours straight. I was totally wired...it was one of those moments where you let your guard down completely and all inhibitions melt into oblilvion. I haven't laughed so hard since the Morehead City trip with Joe and Colleen.
5. I had my best day ever of shooting at the DTH. Three pictures published in one day!
6. I got to speak Spanish with a Mexican worker.
7. My U.S. History professor announced in his very British accent that his last name was "Quigley."
8. I got three free meals in two days. Yay for friends with meal plans and professors with cash.
9. I reconnected with Galen and Ricky and Natalie and other photo people that I am sometimes intimidated by. My J480 class is a wondeful mix of photographers...a 31 year old and some pretty talented undergrads. It's like a family....aww.
10. Writing this blog. I have missed writing so much that I have forgotten about how much I love it.
Some of the bad things that happened this week:
1. Doubts. Lots and lots of doubts. It's satan's way of creeping into my being and preventing me from giving my all to anything...whether it be relationships, photojournalism, my calling, sleep.
2. I stepped on my contact lens this morning.
3. My car wouldn't start...again. Which leads to number four.
4. I have to wake up in five hours to drive my car to Wake Forest for an appointment with the dealer.
5. I didn't pray very much or spend time in the Word. GAH. I know God's work in my life and in other people's lives isn't dependent on my actions, but I nonetheless have a responsibility that I am failing to carry out. And it hurts me that I can get so busy and bogged down with worry that I forget or rationalize my way out of prayer. I really miss God and those quiet times that marked the summer. the type of quiet times that would completely transform my state of mind or mood. pray that I can pray, basically. hopefully i'll utilize the long weekend accordingly...
I guess that's it. I don't want to think of other lowpoints.
The week was grey. So-so. But mostly grey from the rain. But still good. I like rain, remember?
Anyways, I think it's really cool that God has made people so DIFFERENTLY and with such care--esmero, in spanish--and beauty. I look at my friend Matt and amazed that his brain is so darn different than mine...that he is so rational and could love something like economics and business with such passion and dedication. I look at my friend Laura and marvel that God could create someone who has such a big heart and caring nature. Then I think of myself, and praise Him that he made me this way (even though at many points during the week I was angry/annoyed with his handiwork). I learn experientially and emotionally...I like that I am so emotional and that I feel things so deeply and crave experience. It used to be a vice, especially my senior year of high school, but when balanced it really edifies things. Especially with photojournalism. I don't learn by memorizing or by regurgitating or by rationalizing. I learn by images, really and think in images. fragments. I see things in my head...not concrete images, mind you. more like colors and hues that i translate into words and feelings. it comes out in my writing, I think, and this is why i have such a hard time conversing with people. I am a writer and an artist, not a talker and an arguer. And it can be so frustrating, but deep down...when i am doing those things that God created me to do, thinking the way he created me to think, writing the way he created me to write...I am so unbelievably in love with the way I am and the fact that God chose to make me that way. More power to Him!
And it's cool that God is teaching me how to be those things I'm not...how to listen better, how to communiate better, how to rest better.
I'll save my photojournalism ponderings for another entry.
Por ahora, tengo que acostarme. Descanso, descanso dulce, descanso.
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