"You like to commit heavily to things... but it's often for the sake of a commital. So you transfer the commital to something else, in hopes it'll work out better. So you have dramatic transitions. It may seem flighty to some, but that's not the most accurate term to describe your behavior"
thoughts on chut, by john strand.
right on target. ouch. should i take it with a grain of salt? it is me...i guess i just have to accept that. i wonder if will ever change...be committed to something that i truly LOVE. or someone.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
advice
thank you carolyn.
thank you colleen.
thank you galen.
you all said the same thing:
I need to lighten up.
I need to not be so hard on myself.
I need to take risks.
thank you colleen.
thank you galen.
you all said the same thing:
I need to lighten up.
I need to not be so hard on myself.
I need to take risks.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
consciousness
At the University of Chicago you can major in the History of Consciousness.
Carolyn showed me this pretty interesting article about Consciousness today. That act was in no way connected to the aforementioned statement. one of those weird coincidences, i suppose.
Though parts of it teetered more toward New Age religion, it brought up many interesting, thought-provoking points. I suppose i should reexamine my biases against psychology.
i was pretty conflicted, though. actually, at first i was entranced, then argumentative, then tried to reach a compromise. true consciousness, it argued, entails "letting go." letting go of all analyzing, thinking....just letting your mind wander...ignoring the inner voice. The sense of self is merely a compilation of abstractions and concepts. We conceptualize the world too much instead of seeing it for what it truly is...crises, therefore, ensue when we manipulate our surroundings b whatever preconceived notions or "concepts" we try to apply. technology only escalates this problem. I did like the idea of "letting go." especially with regards to nature...going outside and simply absorbing...what? i don't know. it's so hard not to think, not to analyze. i am entranced by the idea of just sitting and being. connecting with nature.
yes, i suppose that is a bit "new-agish," but doesn't it sound appealing? letting go of all selfishness, all conceptions of self! the world is not about you, so stop thinking about thinking about something profound. or thinking about thinking about thinking about something profound.
over and over and over again.
cessation.
but then i tried to reconcile that with my beliefs. and i don't think the purging of all thoughts is the key to "nirvana." heck, i don't even believe in nirvana. That was what bothered me the most about this article...it's claims that to live "fully" one must cast aside all thinking.
i don't think that the emotional sphere is completely detached from the mental sphere or the psychological sphere. this article was founded upon the assumption that they are. love cannot be separated from thinking. compassion cannot be separated from understanding.
i kept thinking of romans twelve, which says,
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind. thinking, analyzing, understanding...all of these have a role to play in life. yet in and of themselves...it's not enough. a transformation must take place. most religions acknowledge this...that's why nirvana exists, that's why escapism exists, that's why people do yoga. something needs to be done to the mind.
and as attractive as "letting go" of life while in the woods may be, i think it's more attractive to yield your mind to God. granted, i'm not really sure what this looks like in every-day life. i'm still working on that. and even though i don't really understand it, even though it's still really abstract...i have faith in what i believe.
i just feel as though the self is important. all of my abstractions, all of my conceptualizations, all of my predispositions...are not for naught. I have a mind for a purpose, and only through its cultivation and transformation (by a higher source) will I be able to employ it in the way God designed. i don't like nirvana because even though it's about "letting go," it's ultimately about that "feeling" of euphoria...which is pretty self-centered. nirvana is, paradoxically, self-serving.
who really cares if i have a moment of utter peace in the middle of a field? i guess it has its place in life, but it's not the end-all-be-all. wouldn't it be better to use my mind and make some sort of difference in the world...even if it's so much as making someone laugh after looking at a weird picture that i photographed?
the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. again, i don't entirely understand what this looks like, but I'm pretty sure it isn't nirvana.
maybe i'm wrong. i'm still working on that.
granted, it was fun to wrestle with this concept.
Carolyn showed me this pretty interesting article about Consciousness today. That act was in no way connected to the aforementioned statement. one of those weird coincidences, i suppose.
Though parts of it teetered more toward New Age religion, it brought up many interesting, thought-provoking points. I suppose i should reexamine my biases against psychology.
i was pretty conflicted, though. actually, at first i was entranced, then argumentative, then tried to reach a compromise. true consciousness, it argued, entails "letting go." letting go of all analyzing, thinking....just letting your mind wander...ignoring the inner voice. The sense of self is merely a compilation of abstractions and concepts. We conceptualize the world too much instead of seeing it for what it truly is...crises, therefore, ensue when we manipulate our surroundings b whatever preconceived notions or "concepts" we try to apply. technology only escalates this problem. I did like the idea of "letting go." especially with regards to nature...going outside and simply absorbing...what? i don't know. it's so hard not to think, not to analyze. i am entranced by the idea of just sitting and being. connecting with nature.
yes, i suppose that is a bit "new-agish," but doesn't it sound appealing? letting go of all selfishness, all conceptions of self! the world is not about you, so stop thinking about thinking about something profound. or thinking about thinking about thinking about something profound.
over and over and over again.
cessation.
but then i tried to reconcile that with my beliefs. and i don't think the purging of all thoughts is the key to "nirvana." heck, i don't even believe in nirvana. That was what bothered me the most about this article...it's claims that to live "fully" one must cast aside all thinking.
i don't think that the emotional sphere is completely detached from the mental sphere or the psychological sphere. this article was founded upon the assumption that they are. love cannot be separated from thinking. compassion cannot be separated from understanding.
i kept thinking of romans twelve, which says,
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind. thinking, analyzing, understanding...all of these have a role to play in life. yet in and of themselves...it's not enough. a transformation must take place. most religions acknowledge this...that's why nirvana exists, that's why escapism exists, that's why people do yoga. something needs to be done to the mind.
and as attractive as "letting go" of life while in the woods may be, i think it's more attractive to yield your mind to God. granted, i'm not really sure what this looks like in every-day life. i'm still working on that. and even though i don't really understand it, even though it's still really abstract...i have faith in what i believe.
i just feel as though the self is important. all of my abstractions, all of my conceptualizations, all of my predispositions...are not for naught. I have a mind for a purpose, and only through its cultivation and transformation (by a higher source) will I be able to employ it in the way God designed. i don't like nirvana because even though it's about "letting go," it's ultimately about that "feeling" of euphoria...which is pretty self-centered. nirvana is, paradoxically, self-serving.
who really cares if i have a moment of utter peace in the middle of a field? i guess it has its place in life, but it's not the end-all-be-all. wouldn't it be better to use my mind and make some sort of difference in the world...even if it's so much as making someone laugh after looking at a weird picture that i photographed?
the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. again, i don't entirely understand what this looks like, but I'm pretty sure it isn't nirvana.
maybe i'm wrong. i'm still working on that.
granted, it was fun to wrestle with this concept.
At the University of Chicago you can major in the History of Consciousness.
Carolyn showed me this pretty interesting article about Consciousness today. That act was in no way connected to the aforementioned statement. one of those weird coincidences, i suppose.
Though parts of it teetered more toward New Age religion, it brought up many interesting, thought-provoking points. I suppose i should reexamine my biases against psychology.
i was pretty conflicted, though. actually, at first i was entranced, then argumentative, then tried to reach a compromise. true consciousness, it argued, entails "letting go." letting go of all analyzing, thinking....just letting your mind wander...ignoring the inner voice. The sense of self is merely a compilation of abstractions and concepts. We conceptualize the world too much instead of seeing it for what it truly is...crises, therefore, ensue when we manipulate our surroundings b whatever preconceived notions or "concepts" we try to apply. technology only escalates this problem. I did like the idea of "letting go." especially with regards to nature...going outside and simply absorbing...what? i don't know. it's so hard not to think, not to analyze. i am entranced by the idea of just sitting and being. connecting with nature.
yes, i suppose that is a bit "new-agish," but doesn't it sound appealing? letting go of all selfishness, all conceptions of self! the world is not about you, so stop thinking about thinking about something profound. or thinking about thinking about thinking about something profound.
over and over and over again.
cessation.
but then i tried to reconcile that with my beliefs. and i don't think the purging of all thoughts is the key to "nirvana." heck, i don't even believe in nirvana. That was what bothered me the most about this article...it's claims that to live "fully" one must cast aside all thinking.
i don't think that the emotional sphere is completely detached from the mental sphere or the psychological sphere. this article was founded upon the assumption that they are. love cannot be separated from thinking. compassion cannot be separated from understanding.
i kept thinking of romans twelve, which says,
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind. thinking, analyzing, understanding...all of these have a role to play in life. yet in and of themselves...it's not enough. a transformation must take place. most religions acknowledge this...that's why nirvana exists, that's why escapism exists, that's why people do yoga. something needs to be done to the mind.
and as attractive as "letting go" of life while in the woods may be, i think it's more attractive to yield your mind to God. granted, i'm not really sure what this looks like in every-day life. i'm still working on that. and even though i don't really understand it, even though it's still really abstract...i have faith in what i believe.
i just feel as though the self
Carolyn showed me this pretty interesting article about Consciousness today. That act was in no way connected to the aforementioned statement. one of those weird coincidences, i suppose.
Though parts of it teetered more toward New Age religion, it brought up many interesting, thought-provoking points. I suppose i should reexamine my biases against psychology.
i was pretty conflicted, though. actually, at first i was entranced, then argumentative, then tried to reach a compromise. true consciousness, it argued, entails "letting go." letting go of all analyzing, thinking....just letting your mind wander...ignoring the inner voice. The sense of self is merely a compilation of abstractions and concepts. We conceptualize the world too much instead of seeing it for what it truly is...crises, therefore, ensue when we manipulate our surroundings b whatever preconceived notions or "concepts" we try to apply. technology only escalates this problem. I did like the idea of "letting go." especially with regards to nature...going outside and simply absorbing...what? i don't know. it's so hard not to think, not to analyze. i am entranced by the idea of just sitting and being. connecting with nature.
yes, i suppose that is a bit "new-agish," but doesn't it sound appealing? letting go of all selfishness, all conceptions of self! the world is not about you, so stop thinking about thinking about something profound. or thinking about thinking about thinking about something profound.
over and over and over again.
cessation.
but then i tried to reconcile that with my beliefs. and i don't think the purging of all thoughts is the key to "nirvana." heck, i don't even believe in nirvana. That was what bothered me the most about this article...it's claims that to live "fully" one must cast aside all thinking.
i don't think that the emotional sphere is completely detached from the mental sphere or the psychological sphere. this article was founded upon the assumption that they are. love cannot be separated from thinking. compassion cannot be separated from understanding.
i kept thinking of romans twelve, which says,
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
...be transformed by the renewing of your mind. thinking, analyzing, understanding...all of these have a role to play in life. yet in and of themselves...it's not enough. a transformation must take place. most religions acknowledge this...that's why nirvana exists, that's why escapism exists, that's why people do yoga. something needs to be done to the mind.
and as attractive as "letting go" of life while in the woods may be, i think it's more attractive to yield your mind to God. granted, i'm not really sure what this looks like in every-day life. i'm still working on that. and even though i don't really understand it, even though it's still really abstract...i have faith in what i believe.
i just feel as though the self
Monday, April 17, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
experience
"I went to e woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartanlike as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and to be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me, are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief end of man here to “glorify God and enjoy him forever.” -from Where I Lived, and What I Lived For. Thoreau.
These are my thoughts. Not verbatim, for I am not Thoreau and I am not perfectly at ease while in nature. Yet I have been contemplating something akin to this...chewing over words like "experience" and "life."
I wish I were Thoreau. I wish I knew what I lived for and sought after it whole-heartedly.
I romanticize, but do not live in the present. I dream about the future...what i can one day do, what i can one day be, what i can one day understand. But what about now? What do I live for? To be quite honest, I'm not sure. What drives me? What are my passions? I have those answers that I spit off instinctively, reflexively, when a stranger nonchalantly asks. Photography. Learning. Movies. Thinking. Running. But those...those are just activities. What about Photography drives me? It's not just the act of taking pictures...can it really be that simple?
I do not know because I do not try. I do not know my passions because I do not explore. I do not know because I fit myself into a box...what I think Courtney SHOULD be, SHOULD like, SHOULD strive for.
I feel as though I've been spending this past semester casting aside eighteen years' worth of presuppositions. i was told who to be, how to act, what to value. and a lot of advice was good advice...i have built a foundation upon good principles, worthy principles...yet i'm not satisfied. b/c i never wrestled with them...challenged them...made SURE they were worth living for. I never made them MY principles. and so now i am conflicted...half of Courtney believes in all of these things in her head, but the other half has problems connecting them to, well, the rest of the world. And assumption is a dangerous thing. Living life blindly is a dangerous thing.
I hate that I was so sheltered as a child. grateful on one level...but I think it does more harm than one may think.
I'm trying to crash my plan. I am destroying the auto-pilot and switching over to manual mode. I hate having the answers (or what I think the answers are) but not really living by it. or challenging them. Why do I believe what I believe? Why do I like what I like? Why don't I know what I like? Why why why why why?
It's okay to question. In fact, people don't question enough.
I spent this weekend in the woods...with a friend who is overwhelming at ease. eerily at ease. beautifully at ease. with himself, with nature, with his passions and his beliefs. he's not just a list of hobbies and clubs...and he doesn't really rattle off his academic pursuits when asked what he does for fun. there's a deeper root. nature....but not just nature...a union with nature. somewhere in between quiet observation and active participation. no need for words. silence is acceptable.
It is beautiful.
I'd like to spend more time outdoors. i'm not sure why. maybe because i feel i'll find myself...or maybe i feel like i'll forget myself completely and become entranced by something larger than myself. maybe because it scares me shitless, for lack of better terminology. i am stripped naked, fully conscious of myself yet paradoxically oblivious to myself...lost to my surroundings.
I don't want to die without having lived. failed. soared. tried.
I want to live sturdily. I'm not sure how to suck the marrow out of life. i just hope I'll die trying.
These are my thoughts. Not verbatim, for I am not Thoreau and I am not perfectly at ease while in nature. Yet I have been contemplating something akin to this...chewing over words like "experience" and "life."
I wish I were Thoreau. I wish I knew what I lived for and sought after it whole-heartedly.
I romanticize, but do not live in the present. I dream about the future...what i can one day do, what i can one day be, what i can one day understand. But what about now? What do I live for? To be quite honest, I'm not sure. What drives me? What are my passions? I have those answers that I spit off instinctively, reflexively, when a stranger nonchalantly asks. Photography. Learning. Movies. Thinking. Running. But those...those are just activities. What about Photography drives me? It's not just the act of taking pictures...can it really be that simple?
I do not know because I do not try. I do not know my passions because I do not explore. I do not know because I fit myself into a box...what I think Courtney SHOULD be, SHOULD like, SHOULD strive for.
I feel as though I've been spending this past semester casting aside eighteen years' worth of presuppositions. i was told who to be, how to act, what to value. and a lot of advice was good advice...i have built a foundation upon good principles, worthy principles...yet i'm not satisfied. b/c i never wrestled with them...challenged them...made SURE they were worth living for. I never made them MY principles. and so now i am conflicted...half of Courtney believes in all of these things in her head, but the other half has problems connecting them to, well, the rest of the world. And assumption is a dangerous thing. Living life blindly is a dangerous thing.
I hate that I was so sheltered as a child. grateful on one level...but I think it does more harm than one may think.
I'm trying to crash my plan. I am destroying the auto-pilot and switching over to manual mode. I hate having the answers (or what I think the answers are) but not really living by it. or challenging them. Why do I believe what I believe? Why do I like what I like? Why don't I know what I like? Why why why why why?
It's okay to question. In fact, people don't question enough.
I spent this weekend in the woods...with a friend who is overwhelming at ease. eerily at ease. beautifully at ease. with himself, with nature, with his passions and his beliefs. he's not just a list of hobbies and clubs...and he doesn't really rattle off his academic pursuits when asked what he does for fun. there's a deeper root. nature....but not just nature...a union with nature. somewhere in between quiet observation and active participation. no need for words. silence is acceptable.
It is beautiful.
I'd like to spend more time outdoors. i'm not sure why. maybe because i feel i'll find myself...or maybe i feel like i'll forget myself completely and become entranced by something larger than myself. maybe because it scares me shitless, for lack of better terminology. i am stripped naked, fully conscious of myself yet paradoxically oblivious to myself...lost to my surroundings.
I don't want to die without having lived. failed. soared. tried.
I want to live sturdily. I'm not sure how to suck the marrow out of life. i just hope I'll die trying.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
indeed.
indeed. paradoxically unbearable and freeing. adrenaline.
and....
oh jules, i miss you terribly right now. remember our skirts? and our einstein's runs? and starbucks? and we even worked together at panera. oh jules, i miss you so. can we go back to high school for a day?
my song.
i hate that people claim artists' lyrics as their own lifestories...but i guess i'll have to be a hypocrite. i really like these lyrics...i can relate. even though i don't interpret the emptiness literally...its supposed to be a lover. but it fits. and i'm glad that june is coming. and i'm glad that december is over. dig deeper.
If I am lost for a day try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things, that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest, in June there's the light
But this empty bedroom won't make anything right
But out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
Calendar Girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive!
Calendar Girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive!
I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window and threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die
But I can't live forever, I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on the beach by the sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Calendar Girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive!
Calendar Girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive!
January, Febuary, March, April, May
I'm alive
June, July, August, September, October
I'm alive
November, December, yeah all through the winter
I'm alive
I'm alive!
(stars- calendar girl).
If I am lost for a day try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things, that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest, in June there's the light
But this empty bedroom won't make anything right
But out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
Calendar Girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive!
Calendar Girl, who's in love with the world, stay alive!
I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window and threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die
But I can't live forever, I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on the beach by the sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Calendar Girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive!
Calendar Girl, who is lost to the world, stay alive!
January, Febuary, March, April, May
I'm alive
June, July, August, September, October
I'm alive
November, December, yeah all through the winter
I'm alive
I'm alive!
(stars- calendar girl).
a bit of nostalgia
at the end of the day I like that I have writing. there will always be work. school is work. photography work. bible-study is work. all of these activities become obsolete after so much time...they are all just "things" and meaning begins to fade. I think writing is one of the only things I have that is truly for me and me alone---which is why I could never major in creative writing, because then it wouldn't be what it is. therapeutic. comforting. a way of reminiscing or dreaming or blabbering. if you major in it you can't blabber, that's a rule.
I once wore a writing hat, like Jo from Little Women, while writing. P.S. it really helps.
the coming of spring has brought a flood of memories and longings back. all so tangible. Here are the most tangible (diversions and passions that I had tucked away for the winter, albeit subconsciously, in order to "work"):
1. eisley. well, eisley really is a microcosm of all good, pleasant music. Elbow and Smashing Pumpkins are for winter, but now winter is over and I can emerge from the darkness.
This is my state of being, where the "you"=not a person, but life in general.
Its happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry
I love you
I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow
We were walking there
I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shinning eyes
Yes like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry
I love music. And listening to Eisley with the windows down in my car on my way back from class...i felt complete again. I really do love music, and i hate that i've slacked on listening to it for pleasure just because ju isn't here to burn me her latest preferences. i'm listening to rufus wainwright right now, and it's lovely. it makes me think of europe and johnny depp. "all the sights of paris swirl inside your iris." so here is my spring selection; that is, here are the artists that i automatically associate with spring, primarily b/c i first heard their music in spring.: It's time for...eisley, rufus wainwright, david gray, radiohead (let down), lapush, lydia's wonderful birthday mix from sophomore year.
2. I love driving. the best experience i had this week: driving in seventy degree weather to nowhere. i just drove. i had no EARTHLY idea where i was, but somehow meandered back to 15-501 and found manning drive. windows down. shoes off. one leg up on the seat. eisley lauding the trolly woods. my hair blowing. it's a little hot.
3. lacrosse. spring=lacrosse season. yet there is no mr. knerr, no frolicking in the westminster fields, no scavenging for yellow balls, no skirts, no goggles, no bagel packs. i mostly miss tossing the ball back in forth, analagous to playing a mere game of catch with a mitt. it's mindless and gives you such a sense of control and satisfaction. and then...you let go. and just talk for hours. and throw the ball around. the yellow ball. against the blue sky. So i played lacrosse for the first time since fall tonight at Relay For Life, with three random Chapel Hill High students. but it was so comforting. so familiar.
4. cross-country. so this isn't spring, but i miss RUNNING. and not just the ACT of running...b/c if i do that by myself i run myself into a rut and get dreadfully lonely. I miss cross-country. the thrill of running with fellow quirky masochists. who find a quiet joy in running through the woods, isolated, away from the buzz of campus. in tune only with the beating of the heart and the rhythm of the feet and the sweating of the brow. you are so utterly exposed yet so utterly free. i miss that...i miss that group of people and that activity.
5. acapella singing. the lord bless you and keep you, enough said.
6. sevilla. espanol. kim y rosario y tortilla de patatas. varias palabras muy distintas como "grua"...la primera palabra que aprendi. david bisbal y mis clases y calle bendis y las palmas y aun el calor insoportable. y decir la palabra insoportable.
lydia, john, jules, emily, karah...i miss you all the most. especially right now, at this very second. i ache because i'm not with you. i'm not really complete. and i'm retreating into this dark little haven right now...of westminster. not the institution, but the memories of it, which are just memories of you all. i thought of each of you today at various points. and it wasn't just a fleeting thought...it was more of feeling or even a pain inside. i guess that's what you call nostalgia. or homesickness. anyways, i love you all...i really do.
I once wore a writing hat, like Jo from Little Women, while writing. P.S. it really helps.
the coming of spring has brought a flood of memories and longings back. all so tangible. Here are the most tangible (diversions and passions that I had tucked away for the winter, albeit subconsciously, in order to "work"):
1. eisley. well, eisley really is a microcosm of all good, pleasant music. Elbow and Smashing Pumpkins are for winter, but now winter is over and I can emerge from the darkness.
This is my state of being, where the "you"=not a person, but life in general.
Its happening all the time
When I open my eyes
I'm still taken by suprise
I hold sunlight and swallow fireflies
And it makes me want to cry
I love you
I shall never grow up
Make believe is much to fun
Can we go far away to the humming meadow
We were walking there
I had tangles in my hair
But you make me feel so pretty
You have shinning eyes
Yes like those forest lights
And it makes me want to cry
I love music. And listening to Eisley with the windows down in my car on my way back from class...i felt complete again. I really do love music, and i hate that i've slacked on listening to it for pleasure just because ju isn't here to burn me her latest preferences. i'm listening to rufus wainwright right now, and it's lovely. it makes me think of europe and johnny depp. "all the sights of paris swirl inside your iris." so here is my spring selection; that is, here are the artists that i automatically associate with spring, primarily b/c i first heard their music in spring.: It's time for...eisley, rufus wainwright, david gray, radiohead (let down), lapush, lydia's wonderful birthday mix from sophomore year.
2. I love driving. the best experience i had this week: driving in seventy degree weather to nowhere. i just drove. i had no EARTHLY idea where i was, but somehow meandered back to 15-501 and found manning drive. windows down. shoes off. one leg up on the seat. eisley lauding the trolly woods. my hair blowing. it's a little hot.
3. lacrosse. spring=lacrosse season. yet there is no mr. knerr, no frolicking in the westminster fields, no scavenging for yellow balls, no skirts, no goggles, no bagel packs. i mostly miss tossing the ball back in forth, analagous to playing a mere game of catch with a mitt. it's mindless and gives you such a sense of control and satisfaction. and then...you let go. and just talk for hours. and throw the ball around. the yellow ball. against the blue sky. So i played lacrosse for the first time since fall tonight at Relay For Life, with three random Chapel Hill High students. but it was so comforting. so familiar.
4. cross-country. so this isn't spring, but i miss RUNNING. and not just the ACT of running...b/c if i do that by myself i run myself into a rut and get dreadfully lonely. I miss cross-country. the thrill of running with fellow quirky masochists. who find a quiet joy in running through the woods, isolated, away from the buzz of campus. in tune only with the beating of the heart and the rhythm of the feet and the sweating of the brow. you are so utterly exposed yet so utterly free. i miss that...i miss that group of people and that activity.
5. acapella singing. the lord bless you and keep you, enough said.
6. sevilla. espanol. kim y rosario y tortilla de patatas. varias palabras muy distintas como "grua"...la primera palabra que aprendi. david bisbal y mis clases y calle bendis y las palmas y aun el calor insoportable. y decir la palabra insoportable.
lydia, john, jules, emily, karah...i miss you all the most. especially right now, at this very second. i ache because i'm not with you. i'm not really complete. and i'm retreating into this dark little haven right now...of westminster. not the institution, but the memories of it, which are just memories of you all. i thought of each of you today at various points. and it wasn't just a fleeting thought...it was more of feeling or even a pain inside. i guess that's what you call nostalgia. or homesickness. anyways, i love you all...i really do.
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