repeat

I stumbled across this scrap of writing that I wrote around this time last year. I can't believe that this came out of my own mouth...I've been unable to conjure the truth on my own. I guess that's why I need the body of Christ...because I will never be able to preach it all to myself.

My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 3It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.

Yeah, so basically I am dead tired. Tired of centering my life around work.