green cotton dress

I'm wearing a green cotton dress right now. I couldn't find a nightgown, but I really wanted to wear something freeing and flowy before I went to sleep. I'm in my room, as usual. It's been a nice cave of sorts the past three days...I read, sleep, nap, watch old movies, nap some more, etc. in here. I didn't leave it once yesterday except to run around the neighborhood and release pent-up energy/frustration.

Summer is frustrating. I feel like a high school student at home...my room is a shrine to my high school self with all it's pictures and dangling medals and high school english lit books. I want to be an adult, but for now I'm just an "adult" (not sans quotations yet): jobless, dependent on my family for money/food/shelter/loving. As far as the job situation goes...it's weird how God has changed my plans. I wasted so much of second semester not just applying for photojournalism internships at newspapers, but worrying about it! Then when that fell through and I no longer wanted to be a full-fledged, independent photojournalist for three months (the thought frightens me terribly), my back-up job with Ami fell through. And now...my high school self wants to find at a coffeeshop or as a nanny, but my professional, "adult"-like self is telling me to get a job doing photography. A real job. Hmm...I don't think it's bad to want to work at a clothing store or a restaurant. I'm having a huge mental/spiritual fight against what journalism professors spend all semester telling us: "You're not a worthy person if you get a "normal" job. You don't want to be working at McDonalds over the summer when you could be honing your skills and working at a newspaper. Internships! Internships!" Gah. I could have had a "worthy" job this summer, but I turned it down. And now I don't have any job, yet, and I am anxious.

Wow, it's crazy how much of my security I place in my work and expectations for the future...something that's not even real! I feel like a different person at home...without the photojournalism classes, photojournalism talk, intense projects, obligatory career nights, Daily Tar Heel assignments. I'm suddenly not engaged on all those future-oriented tasks...and it's good, even though it's hard. In a way, it''s strangely liberating. So liberating that I don't know what to do with myself. (This is not a good feeling, I must admit). I guess it's like...say you were in outerspace in a tiny, confined spaceship for a year. You would get uesd to the obvious boundaries and limitations. You would be comfortable up there, used to your routine. When you come back to earth, you suddenly have an entire world at your feet. You can swim in the vast ocean, you can run a marathon, you can go to the Great Wall of China. The freedom can be paralyzing...you don't know what to do first. The way you defined yourself in space (i.e. based on your surroundings) cannot be applied to Earth. Since you have a different externals, different limitations, you define yourself differently. It's almost like you have to start all over.

The transition from college campus to home can be like that, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, I love reading and relaxing, I love being outside. But I also love being on campus, involved in meaningful work, surrounded by friends and tons of interesting strangers...dying to get a glimpse into their lives. I have different boundaries there, and I make many decisions based on my aspirations with photojournalism. But those boundaries don't apply to home, and photojournalism is pretty much absent here. It's not a smooth transition.

Yes, so obviously I AM the same person. And I know that my identity is only found in Christ: me dwelling in Him, and Him in me. But how does this play out practically? Practically, I let work, friends, external environment, external boundaries define who I am. I don't like that. I know it's human...we all have our own idols. And it's a horrid thing. All I can do is repent and pray that God infiltrates all aspects of my life. I guess that's why it's a good thing that I'm not doing some intense photo-related thing this summer: because I have put so much of my trust and comfort in that, and it's not even real!

Hmm, I haven't completed my thoughts on the matter. And I haven't attained a level of peace yet, but that's fine.

I'm going to go finish Harry Potter 5 and listen to some Derek Webb. In my green cotton dress, in my cave, before I sleep.

These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me