eureka

I was in Savannah for five and half days visiting Laura Fletcher, a fellow Christian and a prototypical friend. She embodies true godliness and I learn so much from her--not just in daily conversation but in the nitty gritty ways of life. She is authentic and real...I don't have to worry what she's thinking about and we can just sit and enjoy the solitude of a South Carolinian road trip. Those five days were wondeful for the time spent with her. I have returned refreshed with my heart redirected towards God's promises.

"Eureka" moment from the weekend: God is good. My hope for the present and future are rooted in what Christ has already done on the cross. I have been trying, and failing, to "fix" my sinful heart and come close to God on my own...which is futile, though that does not negate the importance of human responsibility or repentence. The unhappiness and dark depression of the past year are rooted in my stubborness and unwillingness to submit to God. Because I could only sense His powerful justice, I lived my life with a sense of foreboding guilt and self-flagellation. Why couldn't I "live up" to God's perfection? Why did I keep on screwing up? Why did no one love ME? Why did no one make ME happy?

For once, I have pondered this: what if the solution to all of my woes is not the vast improving of outward circumstances and relationships, but a redirected heart? What if I didn't NEED others' constant affection and approval to function in life? What if I didn't NEED to be happy?

Instead, I should be asking this: How can I embody God's perfection and holiness, keeping in mind that I fall short but not letting that conquer me? How can I keep on repenting when I screw up? How can I love God and others? How can I make others happy?

God is the reason I am joyful today. He is the reason that I'm not sitting on the dorm room floor crying, or meticulously crafting the "perfect" class schedule, or screaming at my parents. And what blows my mind is that I was DOING all of these things and wallowing in a world of meaninglessness that I had crafted--with the help of the world and the flesh and the devil--God SAVED me. He started to draw me back to Him even though I was writhing and biting and thrashing and clawing. It's like this:

1. As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient.

2. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath.

3. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

4. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

5. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2: 5-10

In other words: 1. With consistence and persistence, i was living in sin. I created all sorts of idols for myself in high school...things like Experience and Individualism and Perfection that led to things like rebellion, depression, and problems with eating. These sinful tendencies are still there, but the difference is where my trust lays. The spiritual realm is very real and powerful, on both sides.

2. Such sinful living is universal. It is obviously manifested in different ways, but it is there nonetheless.

3. While I was still sinning God SAVED me because of His love. I didn't even want to turn to Him, but His love for me is not contingent upon my actions.

4. I died and was resurrected with Christ! He already knew where my struggles and failures would be, and he died with those specific things branded black on his flesh and then was raised without them. That's the importance of the resurrection! Christians are resurrected WITH Christ.

5. God is good; everything good is a result of God's grace. My purpose in life is to "do good works" only BECAUSE i am God's workmanship. not IN ORDER TO BE His child!

Glory be to God! Pray that God will continue to reveal His purpose for me and His goodness and love. Pray that I can persist in faith.