feels like it's been forever

admittedly, i'm pretty nostalgic right now. i miss you like crazy jules. when i go on walks through the neighborhood i can't help but think of what we'd be discussing if you were here. college is supposed to be one of the most joyful times in life, supposedly, but i beg to differ. it's as absurd as astrology, which claims that all aries or all leos in the world have the same predetermined horoscope and attributes. it's not the time period that makes a stage of life great. hell, high school could have been the pits had i not had a a group of friends who all shared the same friends. i think it's the people in your life who determine it's course. maybe next year at this time i won't feel so fragmented...maybe i won't feel like i'm on the road to somewhere but not yet there...maybe i'll feel like i'm there. that's what high school was for me: there. even though i was unhappy and confused at times and undoubtedly had my share of teenage angst, i always had ju and john and karah and em. i had other fellow party poopers. and we had collective memories. that's the difference. that's what's absent now...that universalism. college lacks community: it's a haphazard hodgepodge of individuals, some driven and some driving themselves into the ground. summer only amplifies the individuality of college. and as much as i love talking on the phone, it's not the same as physically...being. with ju, with john, with em. breathing the same air, laying on the same couch while giving each other hand massages or back massages, taking in the same familiar surroundings...john's basement, jules' eclectic room. always a sense of place.

coldplay is singing it loud and clear: "the truth is, I miss you."

but i'm not going to let this dominate. that's why when nostalgia hits, i call you. that's why when i remember and feel myself getting sad, i write. i write you. that's why when i'm bored and wanting badly to talk to friends, i call. i call you, and i call new friends too, because i can't hide in the past.

already not yet.

i wonder if most of life is spent with one foot in the 'old' and one foot in the 'new.' there will be times when 80 percent of your body will be in the 'old' and 20 percent in the new. and vice versa. but always a split. i just hope it will meld together at some point...the old coming here. the new meeting the old.

so i'll pass the time...with reading, and writing, and photographing, and trying to find babysitting jobs. trying to meet more people, trying to cultivate those north carolina relationships that have already begun, trying to find new ones, and trying to not let my mind wander too far back into st. louis and high school.

here it goes.