old albums

something special happened tonight. not everyone would find it special; in fact, I feel as only beth and I felt the moment for what it was. my family members wouldn’t appreciate it for what it was. nor would my RUF friends. nor would john. not even joe.

I’m not bashing them for that; it’s not a negative trait, just a mere observation.

I think that art does that to you. When you look at art and someone else sees it the same way you do…and you both make discoveries about it with each other, building off of each other’s unique observations and comments…you sort of create art and create an experience in itself.

I really do have goosebumps right now.

I looked at beth jaxon’s photo albums with her. a casual browsing through her digital albums led me to second and third base…and blossomed into an erotic love affair with art, photography, childhood, emotion, and humanity itself. I’m not joking. nor am I striving to be “poetic,” whatever that is. photography can capture so much; no words can adequately describe what I’m feeling right now. it’s not really an excitement or a euphoria...just a calmness and peace and warm happiness emanating from my core that warms even the tips of my fingers. like stepping inside of a warm house after making snow-angels. rosy cheeks and an ice-cold nose. wet clothing forsaken, and you are naked…embracing the warmth of the fireplace and indigo wool blankets.

composition, light, and moment. these aren’t core elements, after all.

I’ve never had such and intense picture-viewing session…especially with someone else’s childhood photos. yes, at first I saw japan, paris, Dublin, pretty mountains, cool shadows, some fog, and lots of buildings. but it was so much more than that…it was like with each picture I fell more in love with photography: with the places IN the photos, the way the composition captured the subject matter in a fresh way…and then the whole thought process…the whole visual experience. I really can’t explain it.

Beth has such an inventive spirit with unbridled curiosity. It comes out in her photographs, and I really admire that. My pictures are quite uptight in comparison...not necessarily the final product, but the thinking behind each photo. I don’t let myself loose; it’s like when I was in cross-country and I would slow down at the end of the 5ks when everyone else was speeding up, numb to the pain and heat…succumbing ethereally into the adrenaline and the endorphins. Climaxing. I want my pictures to do that…yet I am confined by photojournalism and DTH assignments. Rarely do I venture outside on a rainy day to play with shadows, explore the campus, climb the trees and just sit. my outlook on life is stale. photography is a free ticket to a life of exploration, devoid of boredom and stagnancy. I have not yet tapped into that…I am holding back, scared to express myself. MYSELF. not beth jaxon, not joe madden, not pat Davison or sam abell or ansel adams. I wonder what Courtney Ann Potter’s photographs can be. And I wonder how much fun I can have taking them. I wonder what places I can see, what moments I can freeze, what emotion I can feel.

Raw.

I am going to take pictures of my children. I am going to take loads of pictures of my children.

If I never get anything published and remain a starving artist the rest of my life, then so be it. I will have pictures of my children.

beth’s childhood photo albums…oh my goodness. it wasn’t just the composition (which was stellar). It wasn’t just good lighting. It wasn’t even moment…though there was plenty of that. It was…I dunno, I can’t really put my finger on just a single term that describes what it was. it was so many things…beth’s expressions in the pictures. so emotive…so intense and then so carefree. swirls of motion blur, soft blinking eyes, wiggling toes. all sorts of creating…she was so artful in her demeanor. it seemed like in each picture she was exploring.

Exploring nature.
her backyard.
Exploring intimacy.
her family
Exploring common everyday objects.
plasticware
Exploring basic human emotions.
laughter, rage, curiosity, love, ecstasy.
Exploring her own sense of exploration.
with intensity.

how did her parents capture that in the pictures? I don’t think it’s just good photography…or is it good photograpy? good photography transcends the rulebook and gives you a powerful, unadulterated glimpse into Soul. you forget all about the photography and focus on the emotion, the moment. You understand it with your whole being. You feel it. You are it.

(I swear I’m not some New Age guru).

I’ve never looked at pictures in this way. I’ve never looked at photography in this way. I’ve never looked at people in this way, human life in this way.

I want to take pictures of my kids. I don’t want to just record the superficial obvious things…the birthday party…the crying face, the sleepy face, the happy face. I want to capture so much more…and I want to create. beth jaxon, three years old, sitting on a yellow fire hydrant clad in a yellow dress with yellow shoes. creation.

I’ve figured it out. This is the answer to the question I’ve asked for the past few years, posed by Thoreau. It’s how you suck the marrow out of life. You let loose, you explore, you create, you partake, you share.

I vow never to be too busy for taking pictures of my own children. I want to let loose…to constantly explore these real humans under my own roof. I want to discover their essence and capture that on film…record it for generations and generations and generations. Discovery, Exploration, Creativity, Curiosity…all bound together by Love.

This is my joie de vivre.