I’ve been contemplating the topic of “work” these past few days, rather subconsciously, but I think it’s about time to spill some of these musings on paper…er, webpage.
Work is good.
I spent last semester wallowing in self-pity, boredom, ennui, and lethargy. I dreaded studying, joining clubs, and getting involved for fear of becoming consumed by constant activity. And to be quite honest, I was terrified of the prospect of being challenged, argued against, rebuked, chided, proven wrong, belittled, made uncomfortable. I didn’t want to face my own insecurity. Oh, and I wanted sleep.
I was miserable last semester.
Humans are made for work. I have to admit, even children take part (and receive some level of satisfaction) in the seemingly mundane. Carefully setting the table, standing atop of the kitchen chair with soapy hands besides Mom while she washed the dishes, making my bed…these were just a few responsibilities that I thrived off of as a five-year-old.
The irony is that the older I got, the less I assumed those “adult” tasks. How strange it is that I had a larger sense of responsibility as a soapy-handed five-year-old than I did as a sulky teenager who demanded full autonomy. My pleasure over others’. Movies and music, culture and curiosity, self-discovery and self-exploration.
Almost nineteen, I am now realizing the emptiness and fallibility of my past prioritization (me-first) and gravitating towards adulthood (other’s first). Why keep a budget, aim for physical fitness, and do community service for the sake of “feeling” involved and “feeling” adult? That is the mindset of a young adult straddling two worlds: that of childish autonomy and that of adult responsibility. He gets one without the other, or both, which is not the real world.
It was not until recently that I pondered the prospect of keeping a budget so that money could be used wisely. Exercising so that school work could receive more effective concentration. Community service so that those not as lucky as myself to receive a first-class education could benefit. I used to romanticize “adult” tasks (and still do, admittedly), longing to “feel” responsible and “feel” mature. Such aims are marks of the immature.
I am grateful for this semester, which is ten times as challenging as the previous one. For the first time in my thirteen years of American schooling do I see the purpose in what I am doing: studying because what I study is meaningful and applicable to my career goals, my values concerning enlightenment, and a Christian reality. I actually want to be challenged, pushed, rebuked, questioned, contradicted. That is the only way I will learn. And though I dreading those feeling of uneasiness, insecurity, and naivety that are concomitant with learning, growing, and honing skills, I am assured that it is good for me.
Work is good.
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2 comments:
Ah yes. There is so much to learn on the path to maturity. Every time you take a step, you realize you're not really quite there yet, even if you had decided that you were. I think maturity is about learning to really think for yourself and then taking the conclusions to heart. As much as you always "know" or are told that, for example, you should keep keep a budget, you haven't necessarily internalized why until you see first-hand the need for keeping track of your money.
Maturity is appreciating the wisdom behind the conclusions that past generations have come to and not self-righteously rebelling for the sake of doing something different.
Maturity is about taking on responsibilities that are eventually larger than yourself. You're right. I think I know what you mean by being miserable when you were so internally focused. It can actually be liberating to realize that it's not all about you. However, you have to be careful too, and realize that because you ARE yourself, thus you're ultimately the only person who can take care of and make decisions for yourself, which has to be done before you can have the strength to reach out to others. You are the foundation from which all altruism happens, and to be effective, that foundation has to be there. Still, having the right mind-set can help both goals.
I like your essay/musings. I certainly do feel better when I am working/being productive, which I am doing plenty of this semester. It sounds like you're working too. I'm so glad that you've been able to create a better work environment and find more opportunities for yourself this semester. (I hear you're really getting into the basketball scene!!) Do you feel like the work has overtaken you yet? I already do, just looking around at the papers and stuff which sit on my desk patiently watiting for my attention.
Anyway, I digress. I'm working on a blog post right now that somewhat pertains to this topic of work and growth, but puts it in different words. I wish I had more concentration to write. I knew my blogspot posting would slow down once school started. Unfortunate. I am still taking pictures, though. At least I have that.
P.S. I only deleted it because I wanted to change one sentence. I don't know why it wouldn't let me edit it. Oh well.
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