the middle of things

I’m working again at Panera. And you know what? Despite all of my past complaints, all of my past stomachaches from cinnamon crunch bagels, all of my past migraines from picky customers and all of my past hazelnut-coffee-stained polos, it’s rather enjoyable. Not fun, not horrible. But stable. Predictable. Reliable. A bit tedious.

It didn’t always feel this way. When I started working a year ago it was simultaneously exciting and a pee-in-my-pants opportunity. I nearly died from fright the first day; handing people coins and bills and pouring coffee and cleaning toilets was definitely not my thing.

But now its not so bad. When I stopped trying to be the perfect cashier, the perfect cappuccino maker, I concomitantly stopped expecting to be the aforementioned…and somehow that paradigm shift moved me from the starting line to the middle. bill after bill, cup after cup, toilet after toilet…all of that repetition and practice and experience. In the end, that’s what counted.

And so now I am content. I am longer thrilled at the newness of creating I.C. Mocha masterpieces. And while part of me might be nostalgic for that youthful outlook I had at the beginning of All Things, I much prefer this uneventful consistency. After all, what’s so exciting about an I.C. Mocha?

I suddenly understand certain events that tainted first semester of my freshmen year in light of this quote: “Beginnings are scary….it’s what’s in the middle that counts.” First semester…dios mio, I don’t think I ever want to go there again.

It’s nice to know that I won’t…not in the same capacity, at least.

Everything was so new. New state, new time change, new dorm room, (x2), new people, new disposition (loneliness), new teachers, new age, new era. Depression and binging and more depression. Isolation and alienation and tears, tears, tears. My life, the enigma. My past and present and future, enigmas. Worry and fretting and wanting to transcend the newness…smother it, annihilate it. newness=pain.

But that’s over. I’m not going there again…the start is over. 2nd semester is beginning, and even though many things will change, I have my feet planted (though still shaky). With God’s grace, I will move from home plate to first base.

The Courtney of the Future will inevitably regret the Courtney of the Present saying this, but oh well. I can’t wait to feel stressed again. Stressed from homework, that is. For stress will be a product of work, and hopefully that work will be an indication that I have moved on from planning and dreaming and sitting and romanticizing….that I have moved from the beginning to the middle. It’s all about perseverance.

Being 18 is hard. At least it is for me.

But I cannot underscore how much hope I have. As Sandra Bullock once said, “Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”