beam and reverse

hiatus

"For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart" ~Ecclesiastes 5:20

i've felt this strongly before, and I kind of crave being there again. i've been way too reflective the past couple of days, to the point where it is hampering peace of mind...maybe some of that is just coming home. It's hard to carve out a "present" for myself here, since I'm surrounded with ancient memories. old journals, scrapbooks, the stuff in my room hasn't changed since senior year of high school but I've changed so much.

thanksgiving break is so weird. it's like stopping 2/3 of the way through a footrace...you had so much momentum even though you were really tired. now I'm not so tired, but I can't imagine finishing the last leg of the race...or starting the last leg of it.

for as tired as I've been this semester, it hasn't been because of work. I've been half-assing the last part of advanced photojournalism. I think I'm thinking too much...in the philosophical, circular way that sometimes gets me somewhere important but often keeps me in a state of paralysis. I really want to just be "doing" again...I want to be busy, enjoying my work, enjoying any semblance of routine. As it is, I've been all over the place. Other people have been all over the place, and I may be letting it affect me too much.

I guess it's okay. True, my identity is not wrapped up in how much I accomplish. "Fear God and keep his commands, for this is the whole duty of man." That's it...right there. And in all my thinking I've kinda forgotten this. Again, it's okay. Repent and believe.

repeat

I stumbled across this scrap of writing that I wrote around this time last year. I can't believe that this came out of my own mouth...I've been unable to conjure the truth on my own. I guess that's why I need the body of Christ...because I will never be able to preach it all to myself.

My soul has been aching for this...this break not so much from school but from my racing mind and swirling fears. I was going to write about the latter, but I've changed my mind and am going to let it go...I've beat the subject to death, I've psychoanalyzed and overanalyzed and overcried and overfelt everything...and...it's...fragmenting...scattering. Screw how I feel and how I think and what I feel and what I think, because I know full well that my emotions are fickle. a whisper...Courtney, all that matters is that YOU are the bride of Christ, and that He not only knows about all your crap but has DIED for it and FORGIVEN it and has promised to provide. It's not dependent on how confident I am with photography or how well I "reach out" to other people or how productive I've been or how little sleep I've gotten because I'm so busy "doing God's work." and if I don't pray or read the Bible for a day, God will not love me any less, because He sees me AS CHRIST! Christ is in me and I am in him, and He will meet me in my despair or my frustration or my intense doubts about my 'performance' in this walk of life.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 3It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.

I thank God that it is not up to my strength. I thank God that He won't let any of these freaking idols that I am running after become my rock. I thank God for my troubles, even for my troubled mind...because it leads me back to Him. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love...He is able.

Yeah, so basically I am dead tired. Tired of centering my life around work.

ugly cap and gown picture, random insights

it's sad that my most recent update is to copy and paste the html coding of an online quiz I took.

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Visioning

You are very insightful and tend to make decisions based on your insights. You focus on how things should be - even if you haven't worked out the details. An idealist, thinking of the future helps you guide your path. You tend to give others long-term direction and momentum.

What's Your Thinking Style?

I think this is pretty accurate...the visual part at least. I' not sure if I really give others "long-term direction and momentum." Then again, I am wrought with self-doubt.

at any rate, this semester has been crazy...not busy in terms of schoolwork, but a roller coaster in terms of new and old relationships and growth. God is taking me on a roller-coaster, and I've already thrown up a couple of times (metaphorically, folks). I feel like an Israelite right now...I've forsaken Him over and over and don't trust that He will provide, just as He already has. Job is a comfort right now...God is meeting me in my distress. He is wooing me from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free of restriction (Job 34?). I'm comforted that God knows me completely and loves me completely...He is the one romancing me, pursuing me because I am desirable to Him...even IN my sin, crap, and guilt. It's a beautiful picture, and it's reality!

I miss writing.

words can't

It's not that I've been uninspired all summer. I've just been doing other things.
(Like reacquainting myself with pop culture).
Thanks, Julianne.

I haven't been much in the mood for writing, reflecting, introspecting, etc. I've been doing all those things in the context of ordinary life, with new evanstonian RUFies, with housemates, and with Julie, of course.

So I'm not even going to try to reduce the summer into a blog-post. I don't like containing things that are real and large.

Which brings me to Mainsqueeze, on 9th street in downtown columbia (missouri). I feel like it was just a month ago that I was here...with the remainder of sophomore spring semester, early summer, st. louis, and chicago being just tiny hiatuses. In all of my "wisdom" I've learned this: when with anne's "bosom friends," it doesn't matter how much time has passed since your last visit. All that time is like a vague string of shadows, as in a dream, and being awake is the tangible reality. I can't really describe the feeling accurately. But I know that one of C.S. Lewis's Four Loves is involved.

update

it's what I need to do.

moving day

It's moving day, part one! I just packed all of my stuff for my st. louis/chicago pilgrimage. I can't move into the Evanston house until the 18th of June, so until then I will be frolicking with St. Louis friends in Forest Park and Chesterworld.

These three weeks in North Carolina have confirmed several things:

1) I need a job and responsibilities. Life is boring without work, and the work that I need is people-oriented. Boredom breeds when there is a lack of interesting people (or people in general) because creating 'fun" things to do only gets me so far.

2) I like being a part of community. And i miss fostering those relationships. I like this about RUF and dorm-life at UNC, and especially all the journalism trips. Half the fun of going to Peru and Chile and all of those photojournalism workshops was getting to know my classmates better, and in a new environment. Being around all sorts of people with different opinions and beliefs and personalities than my own challenges me to take a deeper look at the world (and myself) and helps me relate better, in the long-run.

3) the importance of "just doing" things. I've been sitting around too much, thinking about far-off possibilites...like classes, potential jobs, study-abroad options...and it causes too much self-doubt. When I'm not DOING photography I feel like I'm made a bad career decision. And then I waste a lot of time hypothesizing, worrying, running my thoughts in circles. I have enjoyed the hiatus from hard-core photojournalism work, and that is fine. It doesn't mean I'm not fit to do it as a job.

4) I don't ever want to move to Wake Forest for permanent residence. Suburbia scares me, especially when the home becomes the central part of life to the expense of other important aspects of community. It's not just suburbia...I guess this can happen anywhere, but it's especially apparent here, I guess. I'm excited to try out Chicago and see how I like living there.

my brain

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a creative hotbed of artistic talent. You're always making pictures in your mind, especially when you're bored. You are easily inspired to think colorful, interesting thoughts. And although it may be hard to express these thoughts, it won't always be.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

mirror lonely

I'd like to memorize more poetry. I'm pretty sure I will fail at this endeavor, as I have in so many other similar undertakings. I came across this William Carlos Williams poem that I quite liked. It has a lovely colour to it.

Danse Russe

If I when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining tres,--
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my fac,e
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,--
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?

this is all a bunch of bullshit

Your Birthdate: April 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you. Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first. You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world. An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?